A down yo

To you, it looks like I shrug it off. Maybe I do. Today, it really feels like I internalize it. I’m hurting, little, confused, scared.

I try to be a good person; I really do. I think I am a good person, but I’m not sure right now who I could find to tell me that I am. That’s the incredible power of poor self-esteem: no matter how well I succeed in being happy and confident most of the time, no matter how well-respected or well-liked I am, when something or someone activates one of my triggers, I no longer believe that anyone sees me as a good person.

Right now, I’m struggling to convince myself that I am lovable. That I am a good person. That people see me as a good person.

I understand that you might be disappointed in me right now. I’m disappointed in myself, too. The thing is, I’m not sure how to fix it. I’m not sure why it exists. I’m really sad and belittled by the fact that people need me to fix it- that they need me to fix ME. Aren’t I good enough just the way I am? Clearly, at the moment, I am not. And that sucks.

Damn.

Happy birthday to my millenium boy!

Sam is nine- holy cow!

Roadside

The littlest fawn pranced and twirled,

cheerfully unconcerned with the ferocious traffic and her mother’s nudges.

The bigger fawn bounded ahead, exploring crannies,

before bouncing back, full of vigor.

Another headlight passed, and he danced forward along the roadside again.

The doe trod gently onward- patient, weary, watchful;

neither entirely oblivious nor overtly fearful

about the oncoming din of each passing car.

The cars sped past- indifferent, loud, bright, unending.

The fawns cavorted- innocent, free, cheerful.

The doe, protective, vigilant and loving,

flicked her ears, shook her head and nudged at her young,

urging them homeward in the twilight.

We are one, she and I.

My "crazy" post is up....

... at The Cheek of God....

I'm guest posting this week...

... over at The Cheek of God. On the subject of the art of getting crazy. Not that I would know anything about that.

Three Years a Widow

Somehow, 3 years have passed since I talked to Willis and had him respond.

Three years since the kids have been hugged by their daddy.

Three years since we heard his overly loud laugh.

We don't talk about him as often, and we don't miss him with the same devastating rawness. But he's still as gone. We still go on with our lives without him. And we still miss him.

Where is he? Who are we without him? How can he be gone?

I don't generally ask these questions, nor do I really need the answers.

It is enough to know that he was here, that we were a family, that he loved us and we loved him. Still do, as a matter of fact.

Later today, we will take flowers to Willis's memorial plaque, and we will revel in the memories. We love you, Willis, and we remember.

Do You Want to Know a Secret?

This is the meme that's currently going around. I feel like I cheated by using the Beatles, but I do love their music, and Rob would have chosen them, too. The answers were surprisingly accurate.

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Try not to repeat a song title. It’s harder than you think...

YOUR ARTIST: The Beatles.

Are you male or female: She's a Woman

Describe yourself: Ain't She Sweet

How do you feel about yourself: I Feel Fine

Describe where you currently live: The Long and Winding Road

The first thing you think of when you wake up: Roll Over Beethoven

If you could go anywhere, where would you go: Penny Lane

Your favorite form of transportation: Ticket to Ride

What is the weather like where you are at: I'll Follow the Sun

Your best friend is: Three Cool Cats

Your favorite color is: Yellow Submarine

If your life were a TV show, what would it be called: Long Tall Sally

What is life to you: Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da

What is the best advice you have to give: We Can Work It Out

If you could change your name, what would it be: Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds

Your favorite food is: Strawberry Fields Forever

How I would like to die: With a Little Help from My Friends

My soul’s present condition: Free as a Bird

What are you going to post this as: Do You Want to Know a Secret?

Now it is your turn— or not. List a few in the comments or link back at your convenience.