A little poetry, a little miscellany

•Wrote this a few weeks back- I still get a kick out of it.

hollowed out shadow of invisible self
unseen, unseeable
the dog barks at the nothingness which is me
the cat stares into the corner
which is where i am
hovering
above the nothingness in the corner
if you look up, will you see me?
the cat can
and she's not too swift

•Five of us from work are heading to Seattle this weekend for a veterinary conference- looking forward to it. We're going to see Othello on Saurday night- I haven't seen it since Grade 8. I hope the weather improves- the trip across the Juan de Fuca Strait is gorgeous in the late afternoon sun.

•On Canada Day (July 1st), I turned my body into a Canadian Flag: red borders, white in the middle, with a maple leaf in the centre. I had fun in the sun, regardless of consequences.

•I'm lovin' on my house and kids. :) I think Rob and I must be nuts for thinking adding a student to the chaos in our home would be beneficial. That said, I'm looking forward to it.

•Summer really is a marvelous invention.

Faces

See those faces? Those faces are the reason I continue to draw breath.

Sometimes, they are the faces that make me want to hold my breath and count to ten; sometimes they are the faces that make my breath

blast forth with extreme force and volume.

Often, they are the faces that make me catch my breath and

drop a kiss on those downy-soft, sweet and sweaty heads.

My kids are sometimes my greatest trial.

Ultimately, they are my salvation; they make me want to be a better human.

A Rose Among The Thorns, perhaps

So, as you may recall, it wasn’t going well at work. My job satisfaction was low- so low that my continuing there was in question. I did speak with my boss after posting here and after taking a mental health day. It was a good talk; I was able to avoid defensiveness, while stating what I had been feeling as a result of her behaviours. It was a much more assertive and truthful conversation than I am usually able to muster. It went a long way to clearing the air, and I was thinking that all was going to be just fine, although I still had some trouble relaxing and trusting the situation at work.

Well.

I had posted links on FaceBook to my blog, specifically to those 2 posts, thinking to increase readership and support. Many of my colleagues are FB friends, and although the boss is not, she was directed to those posts by concerned co-workers, who knew that I had been struggling.

When I came in the morning after she read those posts, she was shattered. She took me out; we walked towards a local trail, her sobbing, and me not yet knowing why. When we got to a bench, we sat, and she choked out, “Your blog...” She, too, had thought that we had reached an understanding through talking, and was devastated to read, after the fact, just how bad things had gotten. Concerns about her reputation were intertwined with feelings of hurt, bordering on betrayal. I was able to apologize, pat her on the back, assure her that I would make the posts disappear from FaceBook (and in the meantime make FB less accessible to the casual onlooker). We hugged and made up.

Since then, it has been so much better at work, The boss has really made enormous strides in containing and controlling her stress, and sharing it in much more appropriate ways. I feel so bad for her, that she read something that hurt her so deeply. Had I anticipated her reading it, I would have worked harder on less accusatory language; as it was, I was venting, perhaps much as she had been doing at work. The outcome, however, has been marvelous. The workplace is much safer and healthier; our relationship is improved. She and I have both combatted some of our inner issues leading to problematic behaviours. Turns out, blogging is darn good therapy.

My homage to Corset Friday

As I work through my body image issues, I present to you these:

I had purchased the "corset" in the hopes that it would help restrain my belly, but it turns out to be stretchy, which doesn't help. 

Oh well, the best laid plans, and all that...

Anyway, I had fun doing this little photo shoot with my self-timer, and that was a part of my goal.

When it hails... *

Let's recap:

• At 7:15 am, step-son #2 yelled out that his guinea pig was about to die. Animal care is my department; so are death and illness, and Rob was in the uninterruptible process of getting ready for the day, so I stumbled out of bed and went to investigate. Agonal breathing, actively dying. Not really a crisis at that point. Arranged for burial at the boy's mother's home.
• iChat with work. Not prepared to go in; not sure whether the "trouble" at work is all in my head. The sensible response (not from the boss, whom I've been avoiding) is that it doesn't matter whether it's in my head; if it seems like "trouble", I should treat it as such and see my GP. So I did.
• My GP was off sick today. His locum is a nice old doc, who suggested I use heavy doses of Gravol to help me sleep better, and gave me a 25% increase in my anti-depressants. Trial period is 3 weeks. Let's hope...
• I came home and started in on cleaning the upper deck. I swept, vacuumed, mopped and bleached it. I rearranged furniture. I soaked up some sun on it. Ran an emotional gamut, including feeling psychotic, annoyed, vengeful, fearful, flat. Got to feeling peaceful and hopeful after a bit. Wondered what the hell is going on inside my head. 
• Being off work for a mental health day was vital. I'm still too fragile, though. Higher volatility with the kids after a while than I would like. Still don't wanna go to work, but I need to deal with the boss. I need her to lay off me, or I need to go. Curious to know which way it'll go.
• Haven't spoken to my co-workers, but got a nice phone message from one- sounds like she understands exactly what I'm experiencing- she's been here, too. 
• Had a pretty good evening with the kids; feeling pretty flat now that they're asleep. Rob is out for the evening, but still annoyed and overwhelmed, and now worried. I can't help him much.
• Compassion fatigue...
• Yesterday, Sydney said something so beautifully intelligent and simple, and not at all easy to do: "So, thinking about work makes you sad, but you're at home now, so shouldn't you be thinking about home and just be happy?" (btw, she can read the name of our city on signposts- that kid is smart)
• I have been on the receiving end of some pretty high-grade love, support and compassion in the last while. I think this is reaping what I have sown, and it feels good. Thanks for caring and sharing.

* it hasn't hailed in a while, except inside my head.

The tiger's eye is a window, or some such *

I’m struggling.

Although there are many joys and blessings in life, I feel mired in despair, ineptitude and self-loathing. Let’s see where exploring this takes us, shall we?

• I can’t do anything right at work. “I type too slowly, I schedule poorly (although I am GETTING better), I don’t get stuff done on time.” I don’t even recall all the other sins for which I have been castigated lately. One of my co-workers took my boss aside recently and told her to stop being so mean to me. I got an apology, and she seems to be biting her tongue more in the last few days, but I'm better than that. I don’t deserve the criticism, the abuse, the interruptions, the distrust. My desire to fix the situation is at an all-time low. I just want out.
• I'm really blowing it at home. I can’t keep the house tidy, let alone clean. I never seem to hear the children on the first or second repetition- where is my attention? In Rob's phrasing, I take advantage of him with my tardiness and housekeeping and child-rearing. Maybe he’s right, maybe I'm lazy, or maybe I've fallen into some very bad habits.
• I'm fat. When did that happen? For the record, I am NOT pregnant, I have just regained the weight of my last pregnancy, all around my waist, belly and thighs. It’s not attractive. I don’t exercise, and food is for comfort. I'm well down a slippery slope with this one. 
• I'm never in touch with my friends and family. My blog has lapsed, I don’t return phone calls or emails. My social life is work and a little bit of home. And I don’t care that much.
• I try so hard at work. I've been there such a long time, and I’ve made so many people happy. My satisfaction rating is so low. When I do find a piece of work that turns me on or is satisfying, I don’t get to pursue it. When I am given a project, I am interrupted constantly, redirected, corrected and asked for completion. Often, after being given a VERY IMPORTANT PROJECT, due URGENTLY, she needs to talk at me about the latest problem with the kids for the next 10 minutes. The next piece of work-related work comes along, and when that is finished, she wants to know whether I have finished my extremely urgent, extremely important task yet. WTF?? Why doesn’t she see how destructive and unreasonable and unprofessional she is being? I don’t want to share my ideas and my vision anymore- I just want to take them somewhere they might be appreciated and given a chance to grow. 
• We've re-mortgaged. The upward leap in capital is horrendous; I do hope that the lower interest rate really is in our favour. we are still going to have a hard time meeting our expenses, so we’ll see. Now would clearly be a poor time to leave my job. It seems to be killing me to be there, though.
• The girls at work recently showed the kind of support for me that I have always endeavoured to show them. It was gratifying, but it wasn’t enough to make me want to stay. If I don’t want to stay, why do I leave there so late every night? Coming home late just makes rob mad/sad/disappointed, and cuts into my kid time. I don’t understand my own behaviour.

So there you have it. I would really appreciate it if my gentle readers could weigh in with a supportive word. I do have more uplifting posts in the works, some with lovely pictures, but for the moment, I sure could use a pat on the back while I work my way back towards my usual sunny optimism.

Thanks.

* I took this picture myself, of a rescued tiger living in our neighbourhood, in a cage. The image is apt, don't you think?

Gifts?

I hate it when someone criticizes my kid (but I love having blog fodder).

Should we be grateful for gifts given which we do not want and wouldn’t have chosen for ourselves? The mantra is be polite, but I wonder whether this is the right message, or at least, the only message. How about the value of being true to yourself?

At after-school-care, Sam was chosen to get a reward. The rewards had been discussed by the whole group, so the children did have input as to what would be appropriate rewards for this particular project. Sam was offered a choice of 4 small toys; he didn’t like any of them. They did seem a little juvenile for his age group, but not inappropriate either. He asked if that was all there was, and was told that he did not have to take any of the offered items if he didn’t want to. “Fine. I’ll take this one”, he grumbled, and off he went. The after-school teachers thought this was uncharacteristically ungrateful behaviour from Sam, and I agree with that.

What would the “right” response have been? Absolutely, “Thanks, but no thanks is a good choice, and we will talk about this as a family. Avoiding hurting the feelings of someone who has genuinely offered you a gift is also a good idea. Living simply enough to avoid acquiring more stuff just because it exists, also seems like a good idea. As we head deeper into recession, choosing as rewards not more Stuff, but deeper Experiences, just makes sense to me. I’m all about the experience, which is what lasts on into adulthood, after all. Seldom is that true of the $5 toy, and even less so of the $2 toy.

Increasingly, I ask myself why we need to indulge in the cheap toy as an acquisition. At birthday parties, we tend to encourage the "twoonie party" idea: a two dollar coin for the child, and another for the charity of the child's choice. When we indulge at McDonald's, I am going to steer my youngest away from the Happy Meal toy. I need to school myself and steel myself not to give in to the constant demands for acquiring something whenever we are at the grocery store or drug store. I will encourage all of our children to differentiate between need and want. We don't need more "stuff" when our homes are already overflowing.

I know it's not realistic to expect my young children to be able to say "Thanks, but I didn't want the gift in the first place. If you want to honour me, please find a way which doesn't involve me having to be grateful for or turn down a cheap trinket." As I write this though, I wonder about the value in teaching a person, a child, to be grateful for any gift, no matter how trivial, and to be grateful for what we already have, because there is so much poverty and true need in the world.

I spoke to the head of the after-school program, who was able to shed some light on what had happened; she was grateful that I was seeking insight and clarification. I've blogged about it, which has given me some further clarification and insight. All is well here, but I still don’t like someone criticizing my kid.