I want to be in charge of my life, dammit- time to stop being late all the time!
My therapist called- I’m going back there next week- maybe we can get the tardiness/insecurity better controlled this time round.
They destroyed a dam, and drowned the dad beaver in Surrey- beavers are endangered here, and this reappearance of beavers so close to an urban setting should have been a good thing, no? There was a “danger” of “flooding”- wtf? There were wild creatures returning to co-mingle with us after we as a species had abused them as a species most heinously for centuries. Death by drowning? Goddamn people anyway!
I haven’t said recently that I hate that Willis is dead. I do hate that. But. I know he’s gone, never coming back. This is my life and his death, not the other way around. I WILL NOT give up on learning out to extract the juices from my life because of adversity, no matter how intense. I will not give that message to my children. I will not.
What I will do is remember Willis, be gentle with myself, channel as many of his finest qualities as I can... I will whine as little as I possibly can, especially about things I can change, and about things I can’t change (Serenity Prayer, anyone?). I am so proud of my widda friends who have seized the brass ring and embraced life again, and so impatient with those who continue to see their immense loss as giving them the right to whine indefinitely. Yes, this sucks: none of us deserved this, it is a profound loss and it is completely disorienting to lose one’s spouse and partner, BUT, our job as inhabitants of this beautiful planet is to GROW, cherish, be thankful, do less harm, honour the planet’s other inhabitants with our thoughts, words, feelings and actions. (I may be ranting, here, and I’m gonna blame PMS and the damn beaver story.)
I met a young widow today at the clinic- 3-4 weeks out. Her cat is sick, she has no $ and her world is shattered. Do all you widdas remember how disorienting that time was? I barely do remember, but I know that the first few weeks were astonishingly raw, and the disbelief was huge. This girl surprised me by saying that she was grateful to hear that there was light at the end of the tunnel, and that things would get better. I guess that makes me “vintage” and able to mentor someone newer than me on the widow-road. It’s an odd feeling, and I hope that I truly can help her a little, if only by example and compassion, and that my tendency to impatience, as noted above, will not scar her more. Less than a month? Ouch. A very painful time, and I like to think I have all the patience in the world for her, and that I will not put her on a timeline (which I hated to have done to me).
Okay, enough ranting. Time for family and supper and joy again.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
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6 comments:
Well, in the U.S. the right to whine indefinitely while standing in your own way is not only enshrined in our constitution but actively taught in our public school system:)
Okay, maybe not but I hear you.
Good on you for giving that young widow a glimpse of better days. That is the most important thing we "vintage" (tongue planted firmly in my cheek there) can do.
Hope you get a handle on the time thing.
Oh, and I am working on Rob about getting out your way but we have these elderly parent visit thingys (and another child under our roof for a bit) to deal with. It's on my list though.
Ranting feels good, doesn't it? It can be quite the de-stresser. I think it is different from venting too which, I've read, is not so healthy.
About the beaver - it drowned? That sounds unlikely. Unless they used dynamite to blow the dam and the shock of the explosion stunned the beaver long enough for it to drown. Sad, though, as you say. I remember seeing a documentary about a large bog in the lower mainland area. It's the last of its kind in Canada and developers couldn't wait to drain it and build condos there. Do you know whatever became of it?
About "Imagine" and "Star Trek". I guess I feel bad if you feel I've ruined Lennon's "Imagine" song for you. I was just poking fun at Uncle Keith. Lennon was an idealist and we probably have too few of those in the world these days. Musically, though I do prefer the version by A Perfect Circle. The imagery in the video is somewhat telling isn't it? (Assuming you watched it.) If you haven't heard Emotive before, see if you can borrow it from your library. They are anti-war tunes all on that CD.
I've always like Star Trek, so I didn't comment on that aspect of Uncle Keith's post. (Although I never watched Enterprise with Scott Bakula but for one or two episodes. And, of course, I don't watch TV at all anymore.)
The story finally made it to print today, after being broadcast on the radio yesterday. Not drowned, as you say, Rob, which is somehow better (I think drowning freaks me out because of the asthma/ wheezing thing).
Here is the link: Beaver
Annie, I hardly ever go to the board anymore, but I get curious from time-to-time, and there was a firestorm (rolls eyes) about an article that someone sent to a widow. I thought the article was okay, and the ywbb responses were over the top- I know, so out of character for that community... What do you think? Whining?
I hated to read about the beaver, that is too sad. Somebody asked what would happen to the mom and the kits now that the male is gone, and that worries me too. That's one reason story hits so hard, I have lived that scenario with my own "kits."
Your post is full of hope, and hopefully others who are newer to the journey will read it and gain comfort from it. I'm glad you were able to bring comfort to the lady at the clinic.
Love,
Stella
I read that article when it first came out and remember very well that I agreed with it. I was six months out at the time but was already done with the vicious circle that grief can be - just didn't quite know how to get myself off the merry-go-round (and I don't think that ultimately the board helped me do that because it made me worse for a while until I got a grip on myself).
People see themselves in these articles (or in other things they watch or read) and they either have a lightbulb moment or they rant in an effort to hold on and continue on in denial.
Maybe that's a part of why the beaver story was so upsetting to me- the resonances with being widowed and having to raise small fry on one's own. Thanks for the insight, Stella.
I guess I had a bit of an "aha" moment reading the article, too, Annie. I'm glad I'm not too stuck in my grief these days.
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