Gifts?

I hate it when someone criticizes my kid (but I love having blog fodder).

Should we be grateful for gifts given which we do not want and wouldn’t have chosen for ourselves? The mantra is be polite, but I wonder whether this is the right message, or at least, the only message. How about the value of being true to yourself?

At after-school-care, Sam was chosen to get a reward. The rewards had been discussed by the whole group, so the children did have input as to what would be appropriate rewards for this particular project. Sam was offered a choice of 4 small toys; he didn’t like any of them. They did seem a little juvenile for his age group, but not inappropriate either. He asked if that was all there was, and was told that he did not have to take any of the offered items if he didn’t want to. “Fine. I’ll take this one”, he grumbled, and off he went. The after-school teachers thought this was uncharacteristically ungrateful behaviour from Sam, and I agree with that.

What would the “right” response have been? Absolutely, “Thanks, but no thanks is a good choice, and we will talk about this as a family. Avoiding hurting the feelings of someone who has genuinely offered you a gift is also a good idea. Living simply enough to avoid acquiring more stuff just because it exists, also seems like a good idea. As we head deeper into recession, choosing as rewards not more Stuff, but deeper Experiences, just makes sense to me. I’m all about the experience, which is what lasts on into adulthood, after all. Seldom is that true of the $5 toy, and even less so of the $2 toy.

Increasingly, I ask myself why we need to indulge in the cheap toy as an acquisition. At birthday parties, we tend to encourage the "twoonie party" idea: a two dollar coin for the child, and another for the charity of the child's choice. When we indulge at McDonald's, I am going to steer my youngest away from the Happy Meal toy. I need to school myself and steel myself not to give in to the constant demands for acquiring something whenever we are at the grocery store or drug store. I will encourage all of our children to differentiate between need and want. We don't need more "stuff" when our homes are already overflowing.

I know it's not realistic to expect my young children to be able to say "Thanks, but I didn't want the gift in the first place. If you want to honour me, please find a way which doesn't involve me having to be grateful for or turn down a cheap trinket." As I write this though, I wonder about the value in teaching a person, a child, to be grateful for any gift, no matter how trivial, and to be grateful for what we already have, because there is so much poverty and true need in the world.

I spoke to the head of the after-school program, who was able to shed some light on what had happened; she was grateful that I was seeking insight and clarification. I've blogged about it, which has given me some further clarification and insight. All is well here, but I still don’t like someone criticizing my kid.

Imp

“There was an Incident at daycare today.” These words are inclined to strike terror into the heart of even the most sanguine or phlegmatic of parents.

Rob had picked up Sydney that day, so he was the bearer of bad news to me. My heart sank- now what? Sydney is rambunctious, spirited, emotional, dramatic. The daycare is cheerful, but I worry a little about the caregivers' devotion to Sydney. It would be fantastic if there was at least one teacher at daycare who felt that Sydney was one of her favourite children. I don’t think that this is the case.

How much difference does it make? In practical terms, perhaps not much, but in my head and my heart, I am always aware that she may need a titch more understanding, nurturing, loving, and guidance than is given reflexively. Overall, this is a good experience for her, and for me, and I hope for the daycare, but I do look forward to getting her into school. One of the problems at daycare is that the kids with the more challenging behaviours get more focus, however inadvertently; the other kids, if they do not stand out in any particular way, are likely to get overlooked more easily.

I think she is more likely to stand out in a school environment. She is smart; she will be one of the eldest in the class; the expectation for behaviour will be more orderly, which will not be problematic for her; she is cute- I think she will fit in, and learn well, and will not stand out in negative ways, and may stand out in positive ways.

The incident? Minor, really. It involved a pair of scissors. (oh no) Someone cut someone else’s hair. (oh dear) “Whose hair did she cut?” (no question in my mind about who did the cutting; the consequences for our family would vary depending on the answer to this question, though) "Sarah’s". Sarah’s mother is an earth-mother type, they are also a blended family and we had just had Sarah over for 2 playdates. Sarah has very short hair already. If impishness was going to burst out of my girl, this was the best case scenario for it.

I am, however, looking forward to her having other venues for exploring and experimenting with the world. Hello kindergarten!