Living on the edge of empty...

The kids and my parenting....

The weather....

The dog who went missing....

Widowhood....

and did I mention?

The damned weather....

Yep, we're living on the edge of empty, here.

(Even the cat wants to be next to the Happy Lite....)

A little poetry, a little miscellany

•Wrote this a few weeks back- I still get a kick out of it.

hollowed out shadow of invisible self
unseen, unseeable
the dog barks at the nothingness which is me
the cat stares into the corner
which is where i am
hovering
above the nothingness in the corner
if you look up, will you see me?
the cat can
and she's not too swift

•Five of us from work are heading to Seattle this weekend for a veterinary conference- looking forward to it. We're going to see Othello on Saurday night- I haven't seen it since Grade 8. I hope the weather improves- the trip across the Juan de Fuca Strait is gorgeous in the late afternoon sun.

•On Canada Day (July 1st), I turned my body into a Canadian Flag: red borders, white in the middle, with a maple leaf in the centre. I had fun in the sun, regardless of consequences.

•I'm lovin' on my house and kids. :) I think Rob and I must be nuts for thinking adding a student to the chaos in our home would be beneficial. That said, I'm looking forward to it.

•Summer really is a marvelous invention.

Entropy

• We have “lost” 5 people since August at work
  
• We have lost about 60 people at work in the 13 years I have been there
  
• Sometimes I really hate work
  
• I don’t have an up-to-date résumé
  
• I can’t change jobs anyway
  
• What would I do?
  
• How would I afford our mortgage?
  
• The financial advisor we saw today figured we would have had 3 months at current debt ratios before running out of money
  
• I need to work more, not less, according to the bank
  
• I feel like I hardly ever see my children
  
• Christmas shopping- arrggh!
  
• How can I still have so many boxes left to unpack? We’ve lived here for a year now
  
• My BFF is moving back to BC
  
• She and her parents just saw our house for the first time
  
• The house was assessed at a higher value when we bought it than what we actually paid for it- score!
  
• Will the assessed value of the house now allow us enough credit latitude to wait out the remaining payouts on Willis’s estate? probably
  
• Do you have your wills written?
  
• I don’t, not completely
  
• Sigh
  
• I know what I would like to do at work, but I’m not sure how to go about being able to do it
  
• That’s part of the problem with being indispensable
  
• or is it being an enabler?
  
• Willis’s birthday is coming up
  
• Rob and I figured out our Christmas gifts, and purchased most of them today
  
• Rob says screw housework and chores next weekend- we’re going to see the iMax and the trees at the Empress
  
• Sounds good to me!
  
• I am a better money manager than this
  
• I supported Syd’s daycare manager today, by telling her that the parent who just took a strip off her was acting badly and did not reflect on the quality of care she was providing, and what was he doing blasting her in public anyway?
  
• We have a credit with Westjet, and we’d like to fly somewhere warm, but what to do about the kids? and how to afford a hotel?
  
• Sigh
  
• I’m actually pretty happy with my life: I own my own home (sort of), with a man I love, who is secure enough to share me with a dead man, who does not cause me too much trouble (lately), and I have kids and step-kids I love, and I have some wonderful pets, and although my folks are coming to stay for a couple of weeks after Christmas, I know it will be okay, because my mother is better behaved on my turf, and because I really do love my parents
  
• I think I might pre-write my mother’s epitaph, for my own therapy, and to share with her while she is alive how wonderfully intricate my feelings for her are
  
• One day, the ache in my jaw and the knot in my back and the weasel in my neck will give way to other, newer maladies
  
• I really do love blogging as an outlet
  
• I am very grateful for online friends
  
• Grin!

I thought I was a-political

I’m annoyed. Frustrated, even.

We had a federal election today in Canada. Because we have a multi-party system, it is possible for us to have a minority government, which is what we have had in all three of the last elections. In of itself, this is not a bad thing. It can mean greater accountability and the need for increased co-operation between parties in order to get bills passed.

It can also mean instability and a lack of confidence within the ruling party. Because of a desire for a more definite mandate, and for other reasons I don’t fully fathom, the current Prime Minister decided to call an election early.

For the last 6 weeks, we have been immersed in election merde from all sides- the Americans are (and have been, seemingly forever) leading up to their election, municipal elections are coming (although I don’t know when) and this last minute federal nonsense.

Voter turn-out appears to have been at an all-time low for this federal election. Indeed!
The popular vote belies the results within the ridings. For instance, the New Democratic Party, represented right across the country, pulled in approximately 18% of the popular vote, but only 12% of the elected seats. The Bloc Quebecois, running candidates in only one province (75 out of 308 ridings), picked up less than 10% of the popular vote, but holds nearly 16% of the seats.

As I said, I’m frustrated.

I need us to move forward with an electoral system that allows me to vote for 3 things: the leader of my choice, the party of my choice and the local candidate of my choice. I need our actual votes as they are cast to bear some relationship to which officials are elected. I would like to see some kind of meaningful democratic electoral process; maybe we would then see improved voter turn-out and a whole lot less dissatisfaction with government and elections.

A-Political?

Time

I have tried in recent weeks to operate from a position that time and time-keeping are an arbitrary human/western concoction, and that I am actually in tune with universal rhythms and that it is okay to be that way. Unfortunately, my attitude is not making me on time, nor is it currently helping me to be okay with being late. Problem is, I’m up against a pretty big societal more, and I need to meet some minimum requirements for timeliness, or deal with the consequences of tardiness. I guess that’s my goal: to be on time, when I need to be, or be okay with being late, and accept the consequences of a society that says it is not okay to be late. 

There are two circumstances where I have particular trouble with being okay with being late. These are Sam’s school drop-off and Sydney’s daycare pick-up. The rest, I am either okay with the consequences of being late, or I will deal with those situations later.

I hope that exploring the history, emotionality and psychology around my tardiness, in story form, may get me to some peace and possibly changed action behaviour, as well as changed thinking/feeling behaviour. Ready?

There is a girl-child in a meadow, exploring. She is perfectly content. Time is immaterial, because she is busy with the world around her. Birds and butterflies dance in the sunshine, flowers buzz and wave, the trees are telling stories. The colours are vibrant and welcoming. The meadow is warm and safe. All the animals passing by are friends, and many of them choose to stay and rest in her lap, or at her feet. This is a happy place and a happy time.

There are no interruptions or demands here. Hunger seldom intrudes, and tiredness is resolved by napping peacefully. Boredom is a long way off. Loneliness is an occasional visitor, and may signal a time to leave the meadow for a bit.

The world outside this meadow is not at all pretty. It is, in fact, downright ugly. There is anger and violence and noise and chaos. There is no time for exploring or questions or safety. Everything is rushed and threatening or indifferent. There is no room for caring; there is too much judgement and not enough compassion. Why would she ever want to leave the meadow and be in the noisy, dirty, gray place?

Clearly, she would not choose to leave the meadow very often. The sad reality is that children are not allowed to make all their own choices all the time; sometimes, choices are made for them. Sometimes, when the choices are made with compassion and grace and gentleness and presented without rancour and stridency, other people’s choices are not so bad, and leaving the meadow is ok. Especially if the meadow remains to visit another time.

Problem is, often, choices are made for children, for girl-child in particular, and these choices are not made gently and are not presented with compassion. Sometimes, girl-child is wrenched from the meadow, not by force, but with violence none-the-less. Sometimes, the consequences of refusing to leave the meadow, in a timely manner, under duress, are shattering.

It takes a lot of uninterrupted meadow time to make up from being wrenched from the meadow without permission, at someone else’s beck and call, without recognition that the meadow exists and is important.

The meadow is a special place, and girl-child has the right to be there. She needs to be there to refresh, grow, re-energize. Without the meadow, girl-child may die. Perhaps girl-child does die a little inside every time she leaves the meadow, without knowing whether she can come back, without knowing whether the meadow will even exist when she does come back.

The meadow is special; girl-child is special. Meadow time is special and necessary, and girl-child’s time there should be honoured. Not everyone is invited to have a meadow, and those that do should be honoured, not ridiculed, for having a meadow.

Girl-child should not be made to leave the meadow with the threat of violence, nor without permission or acknowledgement that she has been in the meadow and may need time to say good-bye to the meadow.

“I need you to finish up what you’re doing (even if it appears to be nothing), because I need us to leave/go somewhere/change activities in 5 minutes. I will not stand over you during that 5 minutes to insist that you stop your activity in my way. I will not hurt you if you do stop, nor will I hurt you if you don’t stop. I will try very hard to come to your level if you have not finished your activity in 5 minutes, and I will lower, not raise my voice, to help you change activities. If you need more than 5 minutes, I will try to be patient, and remember that I do not have all the answers and that my agenda is not the only one of importance in our relationship.”

Girl-child has the right to be. Girl-child is. I choose to honour girl-child for having a meadow. I will do my utmost to remember to leave the meadow gently, and to ask girl-child and her cohorts (offspring?) to leave the meadow gently. I will spend time in the meadow wisely. I will acknowledge to myself when I am in the meadow and I will feel the joy and the peace of the meadow. I will avoid living in a perpetual state of fighting to stay in the meadow without appreciating what it offers. When I do not remember to appreciate the meadow, and get lost in nothingness which is not refreshing, I will be gentle with myself. When I let myself BE, truly BE in the meadow, I will feel calm and refreshed afterwards. I will enjoy my time in the meadow. I will choose to spend time in the meadow. I will protect my time in the meadow, and I will remind myself not to squander time in the meadow. I will let writing and exercise stand for time in the meadow. I will come back to the meadow soon.

(YOU GO GIRL!)

This 'n' that, but probably more of this

• Trains in the back yard- sounds of childhood, somehow reassuring
• Not being in the same house or same bed as my sweetie is very difficult
• Bruce died when removed from life support, and I'm not there
• I cannot remember so many thunderstorms in such a short time
• How are my cats?
• I love swimming, and we got to go the cottage and I got to swim in the lake for hours- such bliss
• I've been walking
• How much weight can one person gain through inattention?
• The cicadas and the birds are vocal and lovely
• Sightseeing is not restful
• Children fight too much about trivial things
• I don't like when brothers threaten to kill each other over toys
• Why is it so difficult for Rob and I to have an entire conversation without disagreement or ill-feeling at the moment- is it the lack of conjugal visits?
• How much money are we spending on this vacation anyway?
• It is so green and jungle-like here
• My kids are blissing-out on sunshine, water, family
• Can I spend all day at the beach?
• I should look into vacation spots where someone else looks after the kids
• I'm looking forward to getting home, and we haven't done the big three "tours" of our holiday
• My mother is less burdensome to my psyche this visit, but trying to keep my own family's needs met is very challenging
• I haven't cried in 3 days
• Sam may have grown another inch while we've been here
• Sydney had a huge conversation with my dad last night, and ate a huge bed-time snack at the same time- how grown-up is that?
• My back hurts, and all the beds here are uncomfortable
• If I lost some weight and got into better shape, would my back hurt less?
• I am a very positive person, and I'm glad that I landed in the part of the world where I live, so that I could live that way more fully
• Have I told you how much I love animals?
• It's very hard to please all the people here- how do I keep that from tearing me apart?
• How fabulous was it to have a party here with some friends I hadn't seen since I left Ontario? Very fabulous!
• Unfortunately, some people didn't get their invitations as I had hoped, but I guess we had just the right number of people
• My BFF's hubby and I had a "fight" with suction-cup dart guns, in my parent's living room, late at night, in front of my parents and BFF, and everybody howled with laughter, and the kids didn't wake up- I love these people, and I won the fight, too
• Broke a spigot on the hose today, and water sprayed everywhere
• It was a very hot day, and we set up the pool, and the water in it is so cold
• I'm enjoying reading the book I picked up for the trip, and I'm off to take in another few chapters now...
  

My blog is my pensieve...

My friend is likely to be widowed in the next few days. My heart aches for her, and for her son and for me, too, in losing another good kind gentle man. The planet will be diminished by his absence.

We are going to ontario in 1.5 days, to visit with our respective parents. Rob has not been back to Ontario in nearly 30 years; his parents and I have never met. Visits with my mother are always a mixed bag. I wonder whether this will feel like a holiday?

I need to pay more attention to people than to my computer.

One of my co-op friends told me today that she misses me, and I replied that I mss her too, but I don’t think it’s true. I’m very happy with my house on a hill and my stitched-together little family.

I took my kids to the beach today. They loved it. Syd jumps at the chance to get out of the house, whether it’s for a walk or a trip. I think she needs more stimulation and face time with her mother.

I get/take very little time for myself- I’m not sure that being on the computer while fending off kids counts. If I played first and computered after, we’d probably all be happier.

I am not getting enough sleep.

We are going on a BIG trip soon. This’ll be the biggest undertaking we’ve had as a blended family. Yikes! I would like to be at my gentlest and most loving as we do this, but my best-case scenario may be avoiding a total melt-down.

The second anniversary of Willis’s death is coming up- on the day we return from our trip. Bruce will most likely have been removed from life support, and taken his last breath by then. Will they meet up? They were certainly friendly in real life. I hope they can be together somehow.

I have so much to say, so many conversations going on in my head.

Postus Interruptus

I start so many more posts than I finish, or even attend to, and I want to be okay with that. My blog shouldn’t add a layer of obligation to my life- it’s supposed to be a helpful, joyful thing.

That said, let’s see if I can sneak some snippets of stuff into here:

•I missed my nephew’s birthday- he turned 9, and I haven’t acknowledged it in any way. I haven’t ever sent last year’s gift to him, either. I am so disorganized!

•I love my “husband”- he is a real gift in my life.

•I miss my husband- I wish I could recall more of his quirks to mind more readily. Yesterday, as Rob was leaning over the bathroom sink in shorts, no top and socks and slippers, I caught sight of his mid-section first. The body shape, posture, texture and pattern of hair, all said Willis to me- it was very disorienting to see Rob’s face on Willis- the mind is a funny creature that way. The socks and slippers were clearly characteristic of Rob, but the problem my poor, tired mind cannot solve is whatever would Willis have been wearing on his feet if it had been him? I absolutely cannot remember or picture it. And, much as I love Rob, I sometimes ache for one more hug with Willis- I love(d) him, too, and I never did get a final hug with him (lying my head on his lifeless chest in the trauma room doesn’t count).

•When I hug Rob, I get a powerful and profound feeling of “rightness” and “calmness”. We are clearly meant to be together, or at least, we clearly belong to each other. I love that a hug with Rob can often put my world to rights- how cool is that? (And Annie, just like with you and your Rob, it goes waaay beyond hugging. Note the title of this post? Bet you can figure out what interrupted this particular piece a couple of nights back... ;))

•The other day, I left Sam in the boy’s wear department, happily picking out some summer gear for himself, while Sydney and I were in the girl’s wear, a couple of aisles over. Turns out, Sam wasn’t actually paying attention to the fact that I had moved on, found himself alone, and got worried. He saw a cashier in the jewelry department, and thought about asking her for help, but was feeling a little too shy to go up to her. He took himself behind a rack of clothes, talked to himself reassuringly, then went up to her to ask for help. I was paged to pick up my “package” in the jewelry department, which I did with alacrity, and was able to greet my not-quite-grownup boy with a big hug. I’m so proud of him for overcoming his shyness and doing the right thing, and not panicking. I still believe that “free-range” (with shades of “attachment”) parenting is absolutely the best style for me, and my kids do okay with it, too, which is an added bonus.

•Sydney is a drama queen, and she is little, and the only girl in the family- this causes her issues sometimes:

•I think Girl wrote this: “The thing about recurring issues is that the better you get at spotting them, the better they get about subterfuge.  The same issues crop up constantly in our lives, in different guises, and sometimes it takes awhile to realize you’re dealing with the same old thing for the nth time.” I absolutely love this, which explains so exactly where I am in my life, and why I am talking with my therapist again. Tardiness, procrastination, avoidance, insecurity, self-doubt are constant issues, from childhood, and as I stand on the crest of my meno-pausal wave, I’d like to tame these issues a little. I’d like them to be familiar companions, rather than looming, scary monsters on the path beside me, as I walk/scamper/plod/skip down the road that is my life.

•Pretty soon, I’m gonna write my inner child a letter, as a part of the process of de-mystifying the terrors residing in my psyche. I know I can take really good care of folks, whether they be 5 or 41, two-legged or four-legged, and by writing that letter, explaining and demystifying some of the terrifying experiences of childhood, and reassuring her/myself that I can and will always be present with a calm, warm voice and a hand to hold in the dark, maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to turn the monsters in my background into pussycats at the garden gate.

•I’ll probably write a loving letter to Willis, too. His death was sudden and traumatic, if not entirely unexpected, and although I have worked through many issues and talked to him a great deal since his death, we all know how extraordinarily powerful the written word is as a way to move through emotion and come to a place of love, light and understanding.

•I’d better go get my car- they’ve changed this parking lot into a 30-minute limit, and I don’t need another ticket, do I?