Yep, that was the focus of my therapy session today.
It turns out that I have quite a lot invested in being late. Although it is a strategy that no longer works all that well for me, psychologically-speaking, it's going to be as tough a behaviour to change as any other addiction. Yikes! Who knew I was an addict?
Through the convoluted illogic of childhood, I came away with a stay-under-the-radar, keep-the-expectations-low, you-can-feel-valued-if-everyone-is-waiting-for-you kind of thought process. I know that I am better than that; I know I want to be/act better than that, but it's actually quite difficult. Wanting to be an "on-time" person is not going to be enough. Having ambivalent feelings about punctuality will make it that much more challenging, too.
Tomorrow morning is a big test- can I make it to work on time? I sure hope so. I'll need to stay away from the computer, and all other time-sucking diversions. I'll need to stay on target, and keep the kids on task. I'll need to applaud all that I do accomplish and be gentle with all that I do not acheive. Cross your fingers for me that I can do what needs doing to become this grown-up person, and that the little person inside me feels safe enough and cared for enough on the journey so as not to sabotage the process.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
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I used to be early. My late husband was a fanatic about being early to everything. We never got any medals for it. Punctuality is overrated. Since becoming a widow I have abandoned near totally the idea the being on time ever afforded me anything other than stress. And since meeting and marrying Rob, I have come to embrace tardiness completely. It's not that I think being late makes me anything other than late. It's just that time is so artificial and is usually used to control people.
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