Why can't I protect myself?

OMG, She drives me to tears- She is so insulting sometimes; no wonder I am so damaged. She tries to do it to my kids, too, and my first response is to curl up and avoid- stay under the radar. What kind of mum am I that I don't immediately jump in and help my kids?

I did jump in after a bit recently- She was shaming Sam, and I hated it, and eventually, I told Her to stop. Sam was pretty bouncy a little after that, which made me feel like there was hope. She tries so hard to control everything and everyone, and I don't stand up to Her and I think I might need to, for my own well-being, and that of my kids and even my marriage (not that I’m married).

I don't remember being shamed as a child, but I think that was Her primary way of correction- at least it is now. She drinks so much, too. Almost looks as though She needs too. I don't drink at all, hate it in fact. Wonder whether that's no accident.

When’s the next attack coming? I so dislike this living in fear, in my own home. My adrenaline is up, and my “flight or fight” runs deep and strong, and I know which one I choose. Duck! Escape! The computer is one escape. So is bed. A man has been an escape too many times. Enough!

I am so very tired. Is the tiredness an escape? I want to have a good cry, and a cuddle and to feel safe. I want my own home, where no-one can get me. I can see that that has to come from within; that it's an internal process. I can see that there is sooo much self-discovery and sooo much work to be done. I need to muster the resources to fight back, make myself home, be a "fighter" not a "flighter". I need to do this with my mornings and with my work, too.

Has the grief reduced my ability to fight? I’m having trouble finding the energy at the moment. I need to be gentle with myself. I need a hug- gotta be virtual at the moment, I guess. Maybe a Pentax hug will help.