A letter to a certain child

Dear Child,

You had it tough growing up. You really did. It is a testament to some real strength deep within you that you survived your childhood, and without resorting to drugs or other self-destructive behaviours. You did not escape childhood unscathed, though, did you?

I hear you. I wonder how many instances there were where you were belittled or criticized or judged and found inadequate? It still happens. It happens so frequently, that it is no longer possible to tell when it does not happen. The whole sum of the transactions are coloured in such a way that if there are positive transactions, you are not even aware of them.

When each transaction, even the innocent ones, contain a barb, perhaps not meant to injure, but nevertheless piercing and painful, it becomes very difficult to stay whole and sane, doesn’t it? You have done so well. I am so sorry that this has happened to you, and still happens to you. You are a lovely person and do not deserve ill-treatment.

Abuse is a funny thing, isn’t it? It may not look like abuse from the outside. It may not feel like abuse in the moment. But the accumulation of years of put-downs and jeering comments is truly devastating. I’m sorry you still have to be dealing with this. This is not fair, and is undeserved.

You are very special. “What has she done now?” is a question that does not reflect the reality of who you are. It reflects a perception of inadequacy which exists solidly because of the deficits of the questioner. Other people can see and do see and do love the good that is within you, without treating you as though you are the total sum of your habits, quirks, idiosyncrasies. Some people even love those things about you; in fact, many people love you because of those habits, quirks and idiosyncrasies. I am one of those people.

In fact, it is those characteristics which make you interesting and successful and YOU. Please believe that it is those character traits which come under the most attack that I love best in you. Sometimes these traits are challenging, even for you, but please do not allow yourself to be diminished because some other person says you are not good enough. No one else has the right to judge you or to bludgeon you into different behaviour.

If you are behaving badly, in some way, which does happen from time-to-time, please know that guidance and correction can be offered in a loving and supportive manner. When you are chastised for some behaviour, please believe that that chastisement, while hurtful, does not offer up a reflection of your worth as a person. Truly, you are a good person. Your entire goal in life seems to be to help people and to build them up. I so wish that you could be such a cheerleader for yourself, and that when you are such a cheerleader, that you could hear and believe in the messages you give yourself.

Let’s try. Put on your best calming, reassuring, loving voice. You are an amazing “whisperer”. Do it for yourself now.

• You are an exceptionally kind person. You would never intentionally hurt someone. When you do hurt someone unintentionally, you try so hard to make it right, as soon as you are able. 
  
• You are so honest. It is quite amazing to watch sometimes.
  
• You listen amazingly well. You hear so much more than is being said. 
  
• You care so much about people. You like people, and people like to be with you because of the way you make them feel.
  
• You always look for the good in any situation. You can find a positive attribute in the most dire of circumstances. Good for you!
  
• Do you see how well you communicate with animals? You know how to love and speak lovingly to them, and they hear that and respond. You do this with your family sometimes, too, and it always works well when you do.
  
• You are so willing to learn.
  
• You work so hard at being considerate.
  
• You are so playful.
  
• You are amazingly strong, and amazingly resilient.
  
• You wrote this for yourself and from yourself recently: “ Love is an amazing force; joy can be found almost anywhere, anytime, in playing and listening to each other; laughter is infectious and tickling games create solidarity; when in doubt, a hug is never a bad idea.” There is so much wisdom in this. You are wise beyond what you give yourself credit for.
  
• You are often a truly amazing parent and spouse. You are always willing to work on becoming better, which is perhaps the more impressive attribute. Please give yourself credit for being willing to change and to grow.