A little petulant and defensive, but trying to accept responsibility for my own actions

I made a mistake, and I don’t like that. What I don’t like even more is being called on it. I hope that I have already made right the effect my mistake might have had on the people directly affected. My mother continues to be pissed off with me. I actually apologized to her in so many words, but that is not enough. I am really glad I don’t live with my mother all the time, because I really don’t understand all her rules about how to do things.

In the interest of clarity, here is the situation as I understand it: I love my step-sons, and they often make me crazy. The younger (10) is very young emotionally, and the elder (12) is often a bully. I have a hair-trigger with both of them if I perceive them to be “dissing” my kids, their younger step-siblings. I know I need to back-off a little, use a filter, assess the situation with objectivity, be a grown-up (dammit). I wish I could count on myself to do so. I certainly can’t count on kids of their ages with their temperaments to be kind to others all the time (in other words, I can count on them to be kids).

The boys definitely have a club of two going on. This makes sense, of course, since they have always had each other, especially when their parents/family broke up. But, I hate for them to exclude or ridicule my son, who idolizes them. Mostly, they don’t do this. Mostly, they are tolerant and friendly with him. But the times when my boy gets hurt by their behaviour always seem to over-ride the good times in my mind, and I react in a mother bear fashion. (Well, of course I would.)

My girl is almost less of an issue. A year ago, she was a big trigger and a big target for them. Mostly, their comments appeared to roll off her. Now, there is less negativity aimed her way, and there is pretty good tolerance in both directions.

Tonight we had supper at my brother and sister-in-law’s house. Their elder 2 boys (9 & 11) were not there, but their little guy (3) was. He and Syd did okay together, although he is a bit too rough for her and she is a little too princess to tolerate it. (I do try to be fair and objective, and I do hate it when I don't succeed.)

They have a trampoline at their house, and the two big boys and the two little kids were supposed to be taking turns using it, which of course was a little challenging for all of them. Somehow, something in the exchange around the damn trampoline and turn-taking led me on to the topic of half-siblings for the older boys, and how they might have to include someone who was actually related to them by blood in some of their activities if they did have a half-sibling. This suggestion was dismissed immediately because both men in question have had vasectomies.

This is where I stirred it up a little more.

I suggested that their dad could have had a child before they came along, with his first wife, and that they could have a half-sibling older than them. The world ended at that moment.

Unfortunately, restarting the world, by taking them aside, with their dad, and explaining what was and wasn’t true, and how their comments and behaviour, even inadvertently, could hurt people, and how the world would not end if they did have another sibling, even though no-one was going to provide them with one, and how people could love more than one person at a time, and how much they are loved, and by whom, and blah, blah, blah, took place during the serving up of supper. I guess this was uncomfortable for the others who were there, not participating in the conversation, which was taking place in another room. (It really does sound as though I was particularly childish as I lay it out here- ouch.)

I think we worked things through fairly well, and although things weren’t on an exactly even keel by the time we rejoined the supper group, it wasn’t too bad. It is apparent, however, that we need some kind on family therapy to help us with the issues related to joining up our families. Predictably, the ten year old wants nothing to do with this. Clearly, I need to find ways to let the boys have their own definitions of themselves and their family. I also need to find ways to keep myself and my children from getting too hurt by the rejection or indifference of others, which may mean finding ways to reframe those concepts. (I really do need to avoid letting these two children, who I really do love, bring out my own most childish behaviour - I can and must do better than this. I can't continue to "fight back" against their self-protective behaviours by attacking them in any way, and I fear that that is what I have been doing.)

Okay, so my mistake, as I see it, was to bring up a known-to-be-hot topic at someone else’s house, at mealtime. I coulda/shoulda/woulda waited, and coulda/shoulda/woulda addressed whatever issues needed to be addressed later, and I coulda/shoulda/woulda given my step-sons some wiggle room on this known-to-be-hot topic, and and .... 

Oh well. I think I am on okay terms with my step-sons, and with Rob. Ditto my sister-in-law and brother. (I can apologize properly when I see Rob and the kids tomorrow, and I will call my sis-in-law soon - tomorrow? - to make sure I have made amends.) Not so much on okay terms with my mother, who rounded on me at their house, tears and frustration and everything, and who is still not right with me, and I don’t really know what to do about that ('cause I already apologized, and I am really resisting doing it again- so childish!), except write here, and think of how lovely it is to have my own home, four thousand kilometres away from rules I don’t understand.

Tomorrow will be better. (Maybe I'll even wear a mantle of adulthood for a bit tomorrow.)