Angst for August

My "sadiversary" is approaching. On August 24, it will have been one year since Willis was hit by that big truck on the highway. I can feel it coming. All of August has been more fraught with emotion for me, and my energy is definitely at a lower ebb. I seem to have packed a lot of high intensity into this month quite apart from "the big day", which is no doubt adding to my weariness. To wit:

1. Rob's house is finally on the market. It took a long time for him to finish the renovations he had been putting off for 9 years, which meant time he wasn't with me or available to me. That sounds so whiny, doesn't it, but it was hard being so disconnected from my guy. We have become each other's touchstones in the past 6 months, and I miss the contact when it's gone. On a positive note, the house looks great, and there is a fair amount of interest in it, but it hasn't sold yet. Admittedly, it's only been 3 weeks, but I'm ready to move on and move in NOW. Of course, when it comes to the crunch and actually making the commitment to live together and own a house together, I may well drag my heels and have all sorts of "what ifs". Courage!

2. We went camping as a "blended" family for 1 week this month. OMG. It rained. The children bickered. Rob and I had our moments where our easy togetherness wasn't so easy. It turns out that we have different ways of handling things sometimes ;) and that we will sometimes need to negotiate more actively than at other times. The plusses: We survived the trip. We are still a family. I met another of Rob's brothers. This trip will go down in family lore. The boys had a super time in the woods, playing war and collecting sticks. Sydney got a new dress and had a blast in the ocean. I got a new outfit, too. We know we want a trailer for our next camping trip. Stress is unlikely to kill me or Rob or our relationship. All is well.

3. I'm planning to inter some of Willis's ashes on the 24th. I have a spot picked at the co-op. It's a sunny corner between my house and my next-door-neighbours' house. They were so very close to Willis- I think that they will appreciate having a piece of him so close at hand. I have ordered a plaque. My vision is to affix it to a piece of driftwood and place it over the hole. I'd like for any and everyone to be there who feels they would like to be there, which means notifying various groups of people. I figure it would be good to order some food, 'cause that's how we mark the major passages in life, by "breaking bread" together. There is also a plaque ordered for the memorial bench that the co-op purchased for Willis. The bench is wrought iron, and the logistics of fastening a plaque to the bench have been beyond my imagination so far. I should be getting more help with managing all of this, but I seem to have lost the art of asking for help in the last few months. I need to keep in mind two important premises in pulling this all together: SIMPLIFY and BALANCE.

4. My "to do" list scares me.
a) I still haven't filed Willis's taxes for last year. He has 2 creditors hoping for money from a refund, which will be non-existent, since the 3rd creditor is Revenue Canada, and they get first kick at the can.
b) I need to get some medical records of Willis's released to an insurance company for an accidental death policy. The chances of this policy being accepted are pretty slender, since the bi-polar disorder was a causative factor in his death, but since the policy is worth 2 years of his income, I feel I have to pursue it.
c) I need to file employment insurance reports for the time I was off work in May and June, but since my medical certificate didn't accompany my original claim and because it took me so long to file my medical certificate, it is no longer a straightforward claim. Sigh.
d) My childcare subsidy paperwork is seriously overdue for filing. Originally I was waiting for my EI claim to be in place so that I could provide proof of income from that, but seeing as that still hasn't happened, both daycares remain unpaid for July and August.
e) I have a literacy questionnaire to fill out for Sam. Ironically, the researcher in charge of the project is a prof I had during my days of studying child care at UVic. I handed in assignments late for her then, too, but I always got spectacular marks in her class. Students at Sam's school were signed up for this study at the beginning of his kindergarten year, so this is the second year of him being a part of the study. I feel an obligation to complete the paperwork, in spite of being widowed and having lots else on my plate- the school receives an honourarium from the researcher, and I did agree to participate in the study.
f) I lost a ring a while back- 2+ years ago, I think. It's a family heirloom, which is where its real value lies, although its intrinsic value is not insignificant. There is paperwork to be attended to in claiming for its loss- the insurance covers replacement of the ring, which is a bit absurd with a family heirloom, but because I do not wish to make the loss of this ring entirely obvious to my mother, I will need to proceed with getting it "replaced". The insurance adjuster for the claim irritates me, which makes the whole thing more tiresome.
g) Work, packing, moving, parenting, running a household, joining families, eating right, exercising... It's a lot of work, and the stress of my life keeps me awake in the night (that, and my children's occasional nightmares...). Meditation and exercise would really help- wanna go swimming with me?

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School is just around the corner, summer is flitting away; my angst-filled August will soon be gone. I wonder what September might bring.....