Wednesday, August 20, 2008
A lovely day
We went to Canada's Wonderland today, where we met up with my BFF. Everyone reports to having had a good time, and I got plenty of sunshine, wind and water. Life is good.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
A little petulant and defensive, but trying to accept responsibility for my own actions
I made a mistake, and I don’t like that. What I don’t like even more is being called on it. I hope that I have already made right the effect my mistake might have had on the people directly affected. My mother continues to be pissed off with me. I actually apologized to her in so many words, but that is not enough. I am really glad I don’t live with my mother all the time, because I really don’t understand all her rules about how to do things.
In the interest of clarity, here is the situation as I understand it: I love my step-sons, and they often make me crazy. The younger (10) is very young emotionally, and the elder (12) is often a bully. I have a hair-trigger with both of them if I perceive them to be “dissing” my kids, their younger step-siblings. I know I need to back-off a little, use a filter, assess the situation with objectivity, be a grown-up (dammit). I wish I could count on myself to do so. I certainly can’t count on kids of their ages with their temperaments to be kind to others all the time (in other words, I can count on them to be kids).
The boys definitely have a club of two going on. This makes sense, of course, since they have always had each other, especially when their parents/family broke up. But, I hate for them to exclude or ridicule my son, who idolizes them. Mostly, they don’t do this. Mostly, they are tolerant and friendly with him. But the times when my boy gets hurt by their behaviour always seem to over-ride the good times in my mind, and I react in a mother bear fashion. (Well, of course I would.)
My girl is almost less of an issue. A year ago, she was a big trigger and a big target for them. Mostly, their comments appeared to roll off her. Now, there is less negativity aimed her way, and there is pretty good tolerance in both directions.
Tonight we had supper at my brother and sister-in-law’s house. Their elder 2 boys (9 & 11) were not there, but their little guy (3) was. He and Syd did okay together, although he is a bit too rough for her and she is a little too princess to tolerate it. (I do try to be fair and objective, and I do hate it when I don't succeed.)
They have a trampoline at their house, and the two big boys and the two little kids were supposed to be taking turns using it, which of course was a little challenging for all of them. Somehow, something in the exchange around the damn trampoline and turn-taking led me on to the topic of half-siblings for the older boys, and how they might have to include someone who was actually related to them by blood in some of their activities if they did have a half-sibling. This suggestion was dismissed immediately because both men in question have had vasectomies.
This is where I stirred it up a little more.
I suggested that their dad could have had a child before they came along, with his first wife, and that they could have a half-sibling older than them. The world ended at that moment.
Unfortunately, restarting the world, by taking them aside, with their dad, and explaining what was and wasn’t true, and how their comments and behaviour, even inadvertently, could hurt people, and how the world would not end if they did have another sibling, even though no-one was going to provide them with one, and how people could love more than one person at a time, and how much they are loved, and by whom, and blah, blah, blah, took place during the serving up of supper. I guess this was uncomfortable for the others who were there, not participating in the conversation, which was taking place in another room. (It really does sound as though I was particularly childish as I lay it out here- ouch.)
I think we worked things through fairly well, and although things weren’t on an exactly even keel by the time we rejoined the supper group, it wasn’t too bad. It is apparent, however, that we need some kind on family therapy to help us with the issues related to joining up our families. Predictably, the ten year old wants nothing to do with this. Clearly, I need to find ways to let the boys have their own definitions of themselves and their family. I also need to find ways to keep myself and my children from getting too hurt by the rejection or indifference of others, which may mean finding ways to reframe those concepts. (I really do need to avoid letting these two children, who I really do love, bring out my own most childish behaviour - I can and must do better than this. I can't continue to "fight back" against their self-protective behaviours by attacking them in any way, and I fear that that is what I have been doing.)
Okay, so my mistake, as I see it, was to bring up a known-to-be-hot topic at someone else’s house, at mealtime. I coulda/shoulda/woulda waited, and coulda/shoulda/woulda addressed whatever issues needed to be addressed later, and I coulda/shoulda/woulda given my step-sons some wiggle room on this known-to-be-hot topic, and and ....
Oh well. I think I am on okay terms with my step-sons, and with Rob. Ditto my sister-in-law and brother. (I can apologize properly when I see Rob and the kids tomorrow, and I will call my sis-in-law soon - tomorrow? - to make sure I have made amends.) Not so much on okay terms with my mother, who rounded on me at their house, tears and frustration and everything, and who is still not right with me, and I don’t really know what to do about that ('cause I already apologized, and I am really resisting doing it again- so childish!), except write here, and think of how lovely it is to have my own home, four thousand kilometres away from rules I don’t understand.
Tomorrow will be better. (Maybe I'll even wear a mantle of adulthood for a bit tomorrow.)
In the interest of clarity, here is the situation as I understand it: I love my step-sons, and they often make me crazy. The younger (10) is very young emotionally, and the elder (12) is often a bully. I have a hair-trigger with both of them if I perceive them to be “dissing” my kids, their younger step-siblings. I know I need to back-off a little, use a filter, assess the situation with objectivity, be a grown-up (dammit). I wish I could count on myself to do so. I certainly can’t count on kids of their ages with their temperaments to be kind to others all the time (in other words, I can count on them to be kids).
The boys definitely have a club of two going on. This makes sense, of course, since they have always had each other, especially when their parents/family broke up. But, I hate for them to exclude or ridicule my son, who idolizes them. Mostly, they don’t do this. Mostly, they are tolerant and friendly with him. But the times when my boy gets hurt by their behaviour always seem to over-ride the good times in my mind, and I react in a mother bear fashion. (Well, of course I would.)
My girl is almost less of an issue. A year ago, she was a big trigger and a big target for them. Mostly, their comments appeared to roll off her. Now, there is less negativity aimed her way, and there is pretty good tolerance in both directions.
Tonight we had supper at my brother and sister-in-law’s house. Their elder 2 boys (9 & 11) were not there, but their little guy (3) was. He and Syd did okay together, although he is a bit too rough for her and she is a little too princess to tolerate it. (I do try to be fair and objective, and I do hate it when I don't succeed.)
They have a trampoline at their house, and the two big boys and the two little kids were supposed to be taking turns using it, which of course was a little challenging for all of them. Somehow, something in the exchange around the damn trampoline and turn-taking led me on to the topic of half-siblings for the older boys, and how they might have to include someone who was actually related to them by blood in some of their activities if they did have a half-sibling. This suggestion was dismissed immediately because both men in question have had vasectomies.
This is where I stirred it up a little more.
I suggested that their dad could have had a child before they came along, with his first wife, and that they could have a half-sibling older than them. The world ended at that moment.
Unfortunately, restarting the world, by taking them aside, with their dad, and explaining what was and wasn’t true, and how their comments and behaviour, even inadvertently, could hurt people, and how the world would not end if they did have another sibling, even though no-one was going to provide them with one, and how people could love more than one person at a time, and how much they are loved, and by whom, and blah, blah, blah, took place during the serving up of supper. I guess this was uncomfortable for the others who were there, not participating in the conversation, which was taking place in another room. (It really does sound as though I was particularly childish as I lay it out here- ouch.)
I think we worked things through fairly well, and although things weren’t on an exactly even keel by the time we rejoined the supper group, it wasn’t too bad. It is apparent, however, that we need some kind on family therapy to help us with the issues related to joining up our families. Predictably, the ten year old wants nothing to do with this. Clearly, I need to find ways to let the boys have their own definitions of themselves and their family. I also need to find ways to keep myself and my children from getting too hurt by the rejection or indifference of others, which may mean finding ways to reframe those concepts. (I really do need to avoid letting these two children, who I really do love, bring out my own most childish behaviour - I can and must do better than this. I can't continue to "fight back" against their self-protective behaviours by attacking them in any way, and I fear that that is what I have been doing.)
Okay, so my mistake, as I see it, was to bring up a known-to-be-hot topic at someone else’s house, at mealtime. I coulda/shoulda/woulda waited, and coulda/shoulda/woulda addressed whatever issues needed to be addressed later, and I coulda/shoulda/woulda given my step-sons some wiggle room on this known-to-be-hot topic, and and ....
Oh well. I think I am on okay terms with my step-sons, and with Rob. Ditto my sister-in-law and brother. (I can apologize properly when I see Rob and the kids tomorrow, and I will call my sis-in-law soon - tomorrow? - to make sure I have made amends.) Not so much on okay terms with my mother, who rounded on me at their house, tears and frustration and everything, and who is still not right with me, and I don’t really know what to do about that ('cause I already apologized, and I am really resisting doing it again- so childish!), except write here, and think of how lovely it is to have my own home, four thousand kilometres away from rules I don’t understand.
Tomorrow will be better. (Maybe I'll even wear a mantle of adulthood for a bit tomorrow.)
Monday, August 18, 2008
This 'n' that, but probably more of this
- Trains in the back yard- sounds of childhood, somehow reassuring
- Not being in the same house or same bed as my sweetie is very difficult
- Bruce died when removed from life support, and I'm not there
- I cannot remember so many thunderstorms in such a short time
- How are my cats?
- I love swimming, and we got to go the cottage and I got to swim in the lake for hours- such bliss
- I've been walking
- How much weight can one person gain through inattention?
- The cicadas and the birds are vocal and lovely
- Sightseeing is not restful
- Children fight too much about trivial things
- I don't like when brothers threaten to kill each other over toys
- Why is it so difficult for Rob and I to have an entire conversation without disagreement or ill-feeling at the moment- is it the lack of conjugal visits?
- How much money are we spending on this vacation anyway?
- It is so green and jungle-like here
- My kids are blissing-out on sunshine, water, family
- Can I spend all day at the beach?
- I should look into vacation spots where someone else looks after the kids
- I'm looking forward to getting home, and we haven't done the big three "tours" of our holiday
- My mother is less burdensome to my psyche this visit, but trying to keep my own family's needs met is very challenging
- I haven't cried in 3 days
- Sam may have grown another inch while we've been here
- Sydney had a huge conversation with my dad last night, and ate a huge bed-time snack at the same time- how grown-up is that?
- My back hurts, and all the beds here are uncomfortable
- If I lost some weight and got into better shape, would my back hurt less?
- I am a very positive person, and I'm glad that I landed in the part of the world where I live, so that I could live that way more fully
- Have I told you how much I love animals?
- It's very hard to please all the people here- how do I keep that from tearing me apart?
- How fabulous was it to have a party here with some friends I hadn't seen since I left Ontario? Very fabulous!
- Unfortunately, some people didn't get their invitations as I had hoped, but I guess we had just the right number of people
- My BFF's hubby and I had a "fight" with suction-cup dart guns, in my parent's living room, late at night, in front of my parents and BFF, and everybody howled with laughter, and the kids didn't wake up- I love these people, and I won the fight, too
- Broke a spigot on the hose today, and water sprayed everywhere
- It was a very hot day, and we set up the pool, and the water in it is so cold
- I'm enjoying reading the book I picked up for the trip, and I'm off to take in another few chapters now...
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
A mixed bag
Today's is a two-part post. We travelled to Ontario today. The traveling itself had crappy enough moments to make me fear and dread my arrival; as is often (but not always) the case, the anticipation of said arrival was worse than the event, sort of.
I feel absolutely alone in this experience, and yet I know others have been here before me and will also come after me. Being a solo, as opposed to single, parent is god-awful. I truly hate it sometimes. It makes me miss Willis, and lament my lot in life in a big way. I don’t give in much to boo-hoo-hoo, poor-me sentiments often, but sometimes, that self-pity is the only gentleness and compassion I can conjure up for my situation.
The specific situation is thus: I am currently on a plane, in the midst of traveling for 10 hours. My children are with me. I had about 1 hour of sleep last night. For many, a plane trip might present an opportunity to catch up on sleep, reading or writing. My children are almost-eight and four. They need activity, stimulation, companionship. Ten hours of watching video is not going to happen, nor should it. I brought a supply of new toys and activities and snacks, but boredom and mischief are setting in. I’m going somewhat mad with the effort of keeping these two children, with such different interests, from creating a ruckus on the plane.
I have, nominally, a traveling companion on this journey. Rob is here, too, with his 2 boys, aged 10 and 12. His boys have never flown before. The youngest was experiencing, as is normal for him, acute anxiety. We had anticipated this, and used medication and some desensitization to good effect, and he has done very well. Both of his boys are calm, occupied. One of the activities brought for Sam was a new DS game. Oliver also has a DS, but he doesn’t want to play right now.
I’d like to change seats with Rob for a bit, but neither he nor his kids are at all interested in that. Much as Rob loves my children, he has no interest in scraping them off the walls and ceiling at the moment (or at any time, really). He is older, his kids are older, he has done this before. When he did this age, though, he had a partner. Now, when he needs a break from his kids, he can count on them being with their mother 3 days a week. He used to get child-free time, but not so much since I came along.
I wish I had someone else who had equal responsibility for my kids. Sometimes, parenting them is just so overwhelming, and I long for a partner in the process. I kinda of have a partner, but in many ways, I do not. I chose this for myself; I had Sam as a single parent, so I feel I have little right to complain about this sorry situation. That said, my blog is my place to say whatever needs saying, and right now, in this moment, I’m saying that I wish the buck stopped somewhere else.
Soon, we will land, and a whole new set of circumstances will present themselves, rife with their own challenges. For instance, Rob and his kids are going to stay with his parents tonight, and my kids and I will with mine. My parents no longer even have an animal with whom I can commune when it gets tough. I may be here a lot this week. Wish me luck.
Here is my in-the-moment take during traveling:
The specific situation is thus: I am currently on a plane, in the midst of traveling for 10 hours. My children are with me. I had about 1 hour of sleep last night. For many, a plane trip might present an opportunity to catch up on sleep, reading or writing. My children are almost-eight and four. They need activity, stimulation, companionship. Ten hours of watching video is not going to happen, nor should it. I brought a supply of new toys and activities and snacks, but boredom and mischief are setting in. I’m going somewhat mad with the effort of keeping these two children, with such different interests, from creating a ruckus on the plane.
I have, nominally, a traveling companion on this journey. Rob is here, too, with his 2 boys, aged 10 and 12. His boys have never flown before. The youngest was experiencing, as is normal for him, acute anxiety. We had anticipated this, and used medication and some desensitization to good effect, and he has done very well. Both of his boys are calm, occupied. One of the activities brought for Sam was a new DS game. Oliver also has a DS, but he doesn’t want to play right now.
I’d like to change seats with Rob for a bit, but neither he nor his kids are at all interested in that. Much as Rob loves my children, he has no interest in scraping them off the walls and ceiling at the moment (or at any time, really). He is older, his kids are older, he has done this before. When he did this age, though, he had a partner. Now, when he needs a break from his kids, he can count on them being with their mother 3 days a week. He used to get child-free time, but not so much since I came along.
I wish I had someone else who had equal responsibility for my kids. Sometimes, parenting them is just so overwhelming, and I long for a partner in the process. I kinda of have a partner, but in many ways, I do not. I chose this for myself; I had Sam as a single parent, so I feel I have little right to complain about this sorry situation. That said, my blog is my place to say whatever needs saying, and right now, in this moment, I’m saying that I wish the buck stopped somewhere else.
Soon, we will land, and a whole new set of circumstances will present themselves, rife with their own challenges. For instance, Rob and his kids are going to stay with his parents tonight, and my kids and I will with mine. My parents no longer even have an animal with whom I can commune when it gets tough. I may be here a lot this week. Wish me luck.
Then we landed.
I met Rob's parents for the first time, and we all (me, Rob, the kids, my folks, his folks) headed to their house for a meal together. Their house is full of ornaments and treasures, lovingly displayed on a variety of surfaces throughout their home. I have a four-year-old who loves shiny, sparkly objects. O.M.G. Stress level looking astronomical here- what have I done to myself? Who's got my back?? Yargh!
As I was trying to talk myself down on the plane, I came to the realization that in actual fact, my kids have my back. It goes kind of like this: I'm theirs- they're mine. This is absolute and unchanging. Even when Sydney screeches that I am a "bad mama", I know that my love is unconditional, and that, no matter what, we have each other. And I know that my kids have an extraordinary amount of wisdom in them (as do all children and animals, if we care to listen). I don't know all of the wisdom yet, and maybe I never will, but some parts of it are unassailable and oh-so-obvious in hindsight (and Robert Fulghum was right on it): love is an amazing force; joy can be found almost anywhere, anytime, in playing and listening to each other; laughter is infectious and tickling games create solidarity; when in doubt, a hug is never a bad idea.
So, with this in mind, as the house became an increasing minefield, Syd and I went outside. There is a playground around the corner from Rob's old house, and we walked there and played enough to be able to come back in good humour, and enjoy the meal. We enjoyed our "new", extended, stitched-together family. We got a glimpse into Rob's childhood. It was good. Then it came time to leave. Again, really questioning why I thought it would be a good idea for my sweetie and I to be in separate houses. With whom would I get to unwind and review and replenish at the end of the day, with my guy and his kids at his parents' house? Okay, maybe I never thought it would be a good idea, exactly, but the best we could come up with at the time.
So, off we go, with me imagining that my own "homecoming" with my kids (although we have done it many times before) would be tense, awkward, full of half-seen pitfalls. That my parents' house would be unfamiliar and uncomfortable and not home. Here's where the anticipation was so over-the-top, compared to the reality:
My parents' house is home; it is familiar (we are, afterall, family), and it is lovely and welcoming. The house has been lovingly updated over the years, the garden is a garden-tour quality showpiece of barely-tamed wilderness, and I can hardly wait to show it off to Rob, his kids and his parents. I know there will be challenges ahead- my mother and I do the mother-daughter thing very well, but this home is a pretty decent place to call home, at least while I am away from my own home-on-the-hill.
Monday, August 11, 2008
My blog is my pensieve...
My friend is likely to be widowed in the next few days. My heart aches for her, and for her son and for me, too, in losing another good kind gentle man. The planet will be diminished by his absence.
We are going to ontario in 1.5 days, to visit with our respective parents. Rob has not been back to Ontario in nearly 30 years; his parents and I have never met. Visits with my mother are always a mixed bag. I wonder whether this will feel like a holiday?
I need to pay more attention to people than to my computer.
One of my co-op friends told me today that she misses me, and I replied that I mss her too, but I don’t think it’s true. I’m very happy with my house on a hill and my stitched-together little family.
I took my kids to the beach today. They loved it. Syd jumps at the chance to get out of the house, whether it’s for a walk or a trip. I think she needs more stimulation and face time with her mother.
I get/take very little time for myself- I’m not sure that being on the computer while fending off kids counts. If I played first and computered after, we’d probably all be happier.
I am not getting enough sleep.
We are going on a BIG trip soon. This’ll be the biggest undertaking we’ve had as a blended family. Yikes! I would like to be at my gentlest and most loving as we do this, but my best-case scenario may be avoiding a total melt-down.
The second anniversary of Willis’s death is coming up- on the day we return from our trip. Bruce will most likely have been removed from life support, and taken his last breath by then. Will they meet up? They were certainly friendly in real life. I hope they can be together somehow.
I have so much to say, so many conversations going on in my head.
We are going to ontario in 1.5 days, to visit with our respective parents. Rob has not been back to Ontario in nearly 30 years; his parents and I have never met. Visits with my mother are always a mixed bag. I wonder whether this will feel like a holiday?
I need to pay more attention to people than to my computer.
One of my co-op friends told me today that she misses me, and I replied that I mss her too, but I don’t think it’s true. I’m very happy with my house on a hill and my stitched-together little family.
I took my kids to the beach today. They loved it. Syd jumps at the chance to get out of the house, whether it’s for a walk or a trip. I think she needs more stimulation and face time with her mother.
I get/take very little time for myself- I’m not sure that being on the computer while fending off kids counts. If I played first and computered after, we’d probably all be happier.
I am not getting enough sleep.
We are going on a BIG trip soon. This’ll be the biggest undertaking we’ve had as a blended family. Yikes! I would like to be at my gentlest and most loving as we do this, but my best-case scenario may be avoiding a total melt-down.
The second anniversary of Willis’s death is coming up- on the day we return from our trip. Bruce will most likely have been removed from life support, and taken his last breath by then. Will they meet up? They were certainly friendly in real life. I hope they can be together somehow.
I have so much to say, so many conversations going on in my head.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Six Quirks
I’ve been tagged!
Stella threw this meme my way, which is marvelous and flattering. But. I’ve had a very difficult time identifying 6 quirks. My beloved husband, who tells me that I am participating in a quirk pyramid scheme, suggested a few of my “bad” habits, some of which are not really all that bad (he just doesn’t like them), and many of which are unfit for public consumption. I should know better than to consult with him about blogging.
The Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Mention the rules on your blog.
3. Tell about six unspectacular quirks of yours.
4. Tag six fellow bloggers by linking them.
5. Leave a comment on each of the six blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged.
My Quirks:
Stella threw this meme my way, which is marvelous and flattering. But. I’ve had a very difficult time identifying 6 quirks. My beloved husband, who tells me that I am participating in a quirk pyramid scheme, suggested a few of my “bad” habits, some of which are not really all that bad (he just doesn’t like them), and many of which are unfit for public consumption. I should know better than to consult with him about blogging.
The Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Mention the rules on your blog.
3. Tell about six unspectacular quirks of yours.
4. Tag six fellow bloggers by linking them.
5. Leave a comment on each of the six blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged.
My Quirks:
- For several weeks, if not months, I have been showering while sitting down or crouching. I guess I’m closer to the soap and shampoo that way, and don’t have to stretch my aching back so much. Maybe it’s time for a shower caddy.
- I like eating. I’m not fussy, and I enjoy the flavours, textures and colours of food, often too much. I have trained myself to refrain from licking the plate after meals, but I still lick my fingers- some would say that I even suck them clean. Oh yeah, by the way, I prefer to eat with my hands whenever I can get away with it. (But I manage to do okay in public settings, I think.)
- I have allergies. This shows up on the skin of my hands, in my asthma, and with frequent bouts of sneezing, runny nose and itchy eyes. I’ve had allergies a long time, since puberty, and one of the big culprits is cats. But I LOVE cats. And I keep cats, and work at a cat clinic. Thing is, I sneeze lots. And I have to blow my nose lots. Which I do- loudly. Another personal habit in which I show no restraint. Sigh
- I like going barefoot. I have for a very long time. This often disturbs other people, which seems so silly to me. I wear sandals year round, except for the two days in wintertime when it snows in Victoria- then I wear boots, generally without socks. I like to have slip-off footwear- I might need to pick something up with my feet, which I couldn’t do if I had to contend with laces or socks. And I wouldn’t want to bend over to pick something up- see quirk #1 for a continuing theme.
- All of these quirks seem to underline my refusal to grow-up. My religious preference echoes that, in a way. Douglas Adams said in an introduction to Hitchhiker’s Guide something about a guy getting nailed to a cross 2000 years ago for suggesting that it might be nice if we could all just get along for a change. I like his approach. My actual religious affiliation, such as it is, also comes from SciFi. Gene Roddenberry, the creator of Star Trek, created a series called Andromeda, which references a religion called Wayism, the point of which is inclusion, pacifism and “getting along”. This is right up my alley- a fictional religion, espousing the concepts we drill into pre-schoolers, which ensures my ability to keep up.
- I am more than a little attached to my computer. It goes everywhere with me- on dates, to counselling, to the bathroom, to bed, occasionally to meals (if I can get away with it). I use it at work as well as at home, which is one of the reasons it looks so beat up. What did I use for a security blanket before I had a computer?
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