Gifts?

I hate it when someone criticizes my kid (but I love having blog fodder).

Should we be grateful for gifts given which we do not want and wouldn’t have chosen for ourselves? The mantra is be polite, but I wonder whether this is the right message, or at least, the only message. How about the value of being true to yourself?

At after-school-care, Sam was chosen to get a reward. The rewards had been discussed by the whole group, so the children did have input as to what would be appropriate rewards for this particular project. Sam was offered a choice of 4 small toys; he didn’t like any of them. They did seem a little juvenile for his age group, but not inappropriate either. He asked if that was all there was, and was told that he did not have to take any of the offered items if he didn’t want to. “Fine. I’ll take this one”, he grumbled, and off he went. The after-school teachers thought this was uncharacteristically ungrateful behaviour from Sam, and I agree with that.

What would the “right” response have been? Absolutely, “Thanks, but no thanks is a good choice, and we will talk about this as a family. Avoiding hurting the feelings of someone who has genuinely offered you a gift is also a good idea. Living simply enough to avoid acquiring more stuff just because it exists, also seems like a good idea. As we head deeper into recession, choosing as rewards not more Stuff, but deeper Experiences, just makes sense to me. I’m all about the experience, which is what lasts on into adulthood, after all. Seldom is that true of the $5 toy, and even less so of the $2 toy.

Increasingly, I ask myself why we need to indulge in the cheap toy as an acquisition. At birthday parties, we tend to encourage the "twoonie party" idea: a two dollar coin for the child, and another for the charity of the child's choice. When we indulge at McDonald's, I am going to steer my youngest away from the Happy Meal toy. I need to school myself and steel myself not to give in to the constant demands for acquiring something whenever we are at the grocery store or drug store. I will encourage all of our children to differentiate between need and want. We don't need more "stuff" when our homes are already overflowing.

I know it's not realistic to expect my young children to be able to say "Thanks, but I didn't want the gift in the first place. If you want to honour me, please find a way which doesn't involve me having to be grateful for or turn down a cheap trinket." As I write this though, I wonder about the value in teaching a person, a child, to be grateful for any gift, no matter how trivial, and to be grateful for what we already have, because there is so much poverty and true need in the world.

I spoke to the head of the after-school program, who was able to shed some light on what had happened; she was grateful that I was seeking insight and clarification. I've blogged about it, which has given me some further clarification and insight. All is well here, but I still don’t like someone criticizing my kid.

Imp

“There was an Incident at daycare today.” These words are inclined to strike terror into the heart of even the most sanguine or phlegmatic of parents.

Rob had picked up Sydney that day, so he was the bearer of bad news to me. My heart sank- now what? Sydney is rambunctious, spirited, emotional, dramatic. The daycare is cheerful, but I worry a little about the caregivers' devotion to Sydney. It would be fantastic if there was at least one teacher at daycare who felt that Sydney was one of her favourite children. I don’t think that this is the case.

How much difference does it make? In practical terms, perhaps not much, but in my head and my heart, I am always aware that she may need a titch more understanding, nurturing, loving, and guidance than is given reflexively. Overall, this is a good experience for her, and for me, and I hope for the daycare, but I do look forward to getting her into school. One of the problems at daycare is that the kids with the more challenging behaviours get more focus, however inadvertently; the other kids, if they do not stand out in any particular way, are likely to get overlooked more easily.

I think she is more likely to stand out in a school environment. She is smart; she will be one of the eldest in the class; the expectation for behaviour will be more orderly, which will not be problematic for her; she is cute- I think she will fit in, and learn well, and will not stand out in negative ways, and may stand out in positive ways.

The incident? Minor, really. It involved a pair of scissors. (oh no) Someone cut someone else’s hair. (oh dear) “Whose hair did she cut?” (no question in my mind about who did the cutting; the consequences for our family would vary depending on the answer to this question, though) "Sarah’s". Sarah’s mother is an earth-mother type, they are also a blended family and we had just had Sarah over for 2 playdates. Sarah has very short hair already. If impishness was going to burst out of my girl, this was the best case scenario for it.

I am, however, looking forward to her having other venues for exploring and experimenting with the world. Hello kindergarten!

Happy Birthday to Sydney.

My little minx is 5 today. 

Hardly seems possible. 

I hope her daddy sees her and is appropriately proud- she's quite a girl.

Happy birthday, sweetie-pie. We love you.

A rant on mature-rated games...

These are the reasons I do not want mature-rated games in the house:

• they are not necessary
  
• there are dozens of games in the house already
  
• there is too much time spent in front of a screen by each family member as it is
  
• the mature rating means that the material is inappropriate under the age of eighteen
  
• if there are small children in the house, they may be exposed to extreme violence and language
  
• if they are excluded from the activities, that may hurt their feelings
  
• is there any research to suggest that violent video games enhance development?
  
• is there any research to suggest they can be detrimental to development?
  
• there are many more appropriate activities in which to partake- activities which might promote better physical, mental, emotional health
  
• mature-rated games are not necessary to a person’s continued well-being or health
  
• what is the trade-off?
  

We're having issues at home- can you tell?

T-Shirt Friday

nursemyra posts pictures from her collection every week, in an event called "Corset Friday"; on the last Friday of the month, she hosts a "T-shirt Friday". Today, I'm joining in.

I directed Rob as to where to get this nightdress for me for Christmas. 

Anyone who knows me knows exactly how apt it is.

This winter is not for the birds...

... nor for the rabbits, or even raccoons.

The rabbits have been in an enclosure on the lawn for the past few months. I had thought they would be okay outside during our usually moderate winter. I changed my mind, and they're now in our "Harry Potter room".

The raccoons have been giving us a hard time when we venture outside; perhaps because their access point beneath the deck is snowed over?

Remember this? This was last February. We were all enjoying some time on the lawn.

That same spot now looks SO forlorn, or perhaps magical, if you enjoy that kind of thing.

And then there are the hummingbirds. I'm not sure whether it was this one, or the one she insisted on chasing off, who succumbed to exposure. I've got a work light out there now, to help keep the area a little less frigid, and we had another hummer at the feeder today.

I'd like a return to more seasonal weather, soon, thanks.

Matrimony

I left this as a comment on Annie's site, but it was too introspective not to reproduce here. ;)

I've been legally married twice, and by common law, several other times. I've had children in and out of wedlock, and I have suffered (and caused others to suffer) some slings and arrows of matrimony.

I was interested to read your column on rom-coms, Annie. I think that's in a nutshell what killed my first marriage. We were young, inexperienced, and I was under the dillusion that marriage would make my grief over my brother's death all better. It didn't.

I turned down a marriage proposal some time after that, although the idea that I could make it work with an ex-con/ mental patient/ welfare bad boy did cross my mind. Fortunately, I had evolved a little in my thinking, and I moved on.

I got pregnant with a man whose preferred method of "courting" was to call me up at 9:30 pm on a Wednesday to ask if I was horny. He liked me to leave the lights off, and the sliding glass door unlocked, so he could let himself in, and leave without the bother of human interaction- what was I thinking? Thank goodness I did not convince myself I could/would make it work with him, although I was left with a treasure of a boy from him.

I promised myself I would be a better wife to Willis, which worked for a while. He was a good man, but the mental health issues we both struggled with made this relationship pretty challenging. He died from bipolar disorder, and I still sometimes regret that I wasn't the wife I aspired to be with him. I'm a better widow, I think.

My current marriage is my last, with any luck. Neither of us wishes to undertake the legal trappings of marriage this time round, but we both wear rings. We refer to each other as husband and wife.

Will "it" work? I'm no longer sure that there is any "it" to marriage. Rob and I do our utmost to get along, support each other, learn from each other, enjoy each other. Neither of us is interested in doing this over again, so we are pretty determined to figure out how to keep getting along, even when it is challenging to do so.

So, what I want from marriage, this time 'round, is to be a partner, lover and companion, and to have one in return. So far, so good.