"I'm feeling much better now..."

I'm grateful that I don't work with Sabre-toothed cats...

... because the domestic variety is sufficiently sharp-toothed as it is.

(she slipped out of her muzzle to give me this bite, which actually had prettier colours the day before this photo was taken. I still have the marks from seven teeth, as well as the scratches from the week before from a different cat. If my reflexes get slower with age, I'm in trouble.) 

Entropy

• We have “lost” 5 people since August at work
  
• We have lost about 60 people at work in the 13 years I have been there
  
• Sometimes I really hate work
  
• I don’t have an up-to-date résumé
  
• I can’t change jobs anyway
  
• What would I do?
  
• How would I afford our mortgage?
  
• The financial advisor we saw today figured we would have had 3 months at current debt ratios before running out of money
  
• I need to work more, not less, according to the bank
  
• I feel like I hardly ever see my children
  
• Christmas shopping- arrggh!
  
• How can I still have so many boxes left to unpack? We’ve lived here for a year now
  
• My BFF is moving back to BC
  
• She and her parents just saw our house for the first time
  
• The house was assessed at a higher value when we bought it than what we actually paid for it- score!
  
• Will the assessed value of the house now allow us enough credit latitude to wait out the remaining payouts on Willis’s estate? probably
  
• Do you have your wills written?
  
• I don’t, not completely
  
• Sigh
  
• I know what I would like to do at work, but I’m not sure how to go about being able to do it
  
• That’s part of the problem with being indispensable
  
• or is it being an enabler?
  
• Willis’s birthday is coming up
  
• Rob and I figured out our Christmas gifts, and purchased most of them today
  
• Rob says screw housework and chores next weekend- we’re going to see the iMax and the trees at the Empress
  
• Sounds good to me!
  
• I am a better money manager than this
  
• I supported Syd’s daycare manager today, by telling her that the parent who just took a strip off her was acting badly and did not reflect on the quality of care she was providing, and what was he doing blasting her in public anyway?
  
• We have a credit with Westjet, and we’d like to fly somewhere warm, but what to do about the kids? and how to afford a hotel?
  
• Sigh
  
• I’m actually pretty happy with my life: I own my own home (sort of), with a man I love, who is secure enough to share me with a dead man, who does not cause me too much trouble (lately), and I have kids and step-kids I love, and I have some wonderful pets, and although my folks are coming to stay for a couple of weeks after Christmas, I know it will be okay, because my mother is better behaved on my turf, and because I really do love my parents
  
• I think I might pre-write my mother’s epitaph, for my own therapy, and to share with her while she is alive how wonderfully intricate my feelings for her are
  
• One day, the ache in my jaw and the knot in my back and the weasel in my neck will give way to other, newer maladies
  
• I really do love blogging as an outlet
  
• I am very grateful for online friends
  
• Grin!

Seething

This too shall pass.

Tonight, Rob received a scathing e-letter from his ex, absolutely trashing me, saying that the boys have nothing positive to say about me or our relationship. According to her, amongst my sins are wearing revealing clothing, having sex in the hot tub, making Rob’s kids refer to my children as step-siblings, being immature enough to make the boys cry by saying I am going to have a baby with their father, that the boys resent the amount of time Rob spends with my kids, that I often “crys and crys” and is very depressed... She ends saying that she finds it “frusterating” not to get a response back to Rob when she sends him an email.

Rob sent back an email, and talked with his boys, and I think that all is more-or-less well. I am left with echoes of anger, resentment, self-doubt; especially self-doubt.

I have enough experience to know that much of what Sarah is saying really points out her own inadequacies, as a parent, ex-wife and step-wife.

She is an exceedingly poor communicator. Her spelling, grammar and sentence construction are beyond atrocious (including spelling my name repeatedly as “Saly”); she is unable to address her concerns in an adult-to-adult forum, and certainly not a face-to-face one.

I am reminded of times when Cynthia, Willis’s ex, spoke with me or with me and Willis, when she had concerns about the well-being of her child while in our care. I never received those concerns well at the time, which I still regret a little, but I have made my peace with Cynthia, and now welcome her insight into parenting and co-parenting. The fact, though, that Cynthia was able to speak about her concerns in person with us, and that she made a solid effort, in the face of some opposition, to create an atmosphere of team parenting, tells me that it is possible.

In the meantime, I question my own performance. Are any of Sarah’s accusations, or the boys’, founded? Much of what she says is either entirely inaccurate or “ancient” history, but is there any part of my step-parenting which does need attention?

I suspect that the real underlying issue may be that the boys have not been getting enough of their dad’s time and attention. This is something I can do something about. I can take my own kids out to do stuff with just them, or I can encourage Rob to take his boys out. I’ve been feeling extra-homebody-ish lately, and I don’t look forward to having to go out, but this sounds like a pretty important reason to have to push my envelope.

A little piece of me is wanting to pull the widow card on this one. I wrote a tongue-in-cheek response to Sarah’s letter, which will not see the light of day, except for the brief excerpt here: "...they resent the amount of time you spend with her kids." "Would you like to take "Saly's" kids for a while? Or should she send them to be with their dad at the cemetery?"

Sometimes, I just like to point out the depth of my loss. Sigh.

Enjoying the Autumn

Looking out over the university NNE from Mount Tolmie

Lichen-covered branches against Garry Oak and Hemlock

Pine needles in sun and shade

(Purple) blue spruce

Garry Oak meadow

My Spielberg look-a-like

Autumn

It’s clearly Fall up here on Triangle Mountain. We have leaves, rain, apples, deer, rabbits, raccoons, another birthday. This is our first Autumn here, and I like it. Although we have been here almost a year and sometimes it seems like we are old-timers in the neighbourhood, my backyard visitors remind me that we are new, and perhaps interlopers where they have been for generations. I’m glad they let me stay.

Colourized rain drops on the sun roof

A pile of wet glistening leaves

Birthday cake

Someone's been nibbling our apples and pears awaiting processing

Who, me? Couldn't be.

I bet it was her.

Or maybe him.

Couldn't have been me...

Maybe it was them- they're all thieves

On a completely different note, I have some other stories to tell, some of which have been bubbling out of me this weekend. Fiction stories. Erotica, in fact. In the interests of not terrorizing my gentle readers here, nor wanting to attract unwanted attention to my personal journey on this blog, I have started another blog under an alias. Be forewarned that the stories and language over there are very graphic and racy, but if you like that kind of thing- enjoy! 

(I hope to have a chapter up there later tonight...)

I thought I was a-political

I’m annoyed. Frustrated, even.

We had a federal election today in Canada. Because we have a multi-party system, it is possible for us to have a minority government, which is what we have had in all three of the last elections. In of itself, this is not a bad thing. It can mean greater accountability and the need for increased co-operation between parties in order to get bills passed.

It can also mean instability and a lack of confidence within the ruling party. Because of a desire for a more definite mandate, and for other reasons I don’t fully fathom, the current Prime Minister decided to call an election early.

For the last 6 weeks, we have been immersed in election merde from all sides- the Americans are (and have been, seemingly forever) leading up to their election, municipal elections are coming (although I don’t know when) and this last minute federal nonsense.

Voter turn-out appears to have been at an all-time low for this federal election. Indeed!
The popular vote belies the results within the ridings. For instance, the New Democratic Party, represented right across the country, pulled in approximately 18% of the popular vote, but only 12% of the elected seats. The Bloc Quebecois, running candidates in only one province (75 out of 308 ridings), picked up less than 10% of the popular vote, but holds nearly 16% of the seats.

As I said, I’m frustrated.

I need us to move forward with an electoral system that allows me to vote for 3 things: the leader of my choice, the party of my choice and the local candidate of my choice. I need our actual votes as they are cast to bear some relationship to which officials are elected. I would like to see some kind of meaningful democratic electoral process; maybe we would then see improved voter turn-out and a whole lot less dissatisfaction with government and elections.

A-Political?

Giving Thanks

• seeing CATS with the gals from work this weekend
  
• Sam’s head lice infestation, found this weekend, seems limited to him and is now well under control
  
• the power outage, covering the entire south end of Vancouver Island and the Gulf Islands, was fairly brief (~ 1 hour), and caught us at home, after supper
  
• Rob made a spectacular thanksgiving dinner- I loves me some turkey!
  
• I made everybody say something they were thankful for: good health, family, food, our house, our animals all made the list
• Linus’s pet guinea pig did not need to be euthanized (although it would have been nice if he’d made it, as the vet seemed to think he would, but he was quite elderly and unwell)
  
• life is good, n’est-ce pas? (I’se all about the silver linings)