Remembrance

Our remembrance gathering was good. Really good, in fact. The peace I feel now is quite profound. I made it through my first year, with flying colours, even. I made it through my sadiversary with grace and gratitude, and only a few tears. There were neighbours present and a couple of Willis’s co-workers also came by. It was so good to reconnect with them. They have been missing us and wondered where we got too- we disappeared into the fog of widowhood disorganization. They plan on inviting us to a BBQ at their place, and as long as they give us a specific time and date, we'll go. The plaques are in place and look great; some ashes are interred. There is a sense of completion.


Sam was proud to participate in digging the hole.









Sydney is intent on spooning some ashes into a bag to be buried. My neighbour Jackie, who adored Willis, was thrilled to be in charge of that precious box and bag.





There were solemn and joyful moments. A friend read a letter to Willis, which recalled him as he was in life, as well as the sorrow left in the wake of his death. Women who have been known to butt heads were getting along famously at the remembrance. This is quite a legacy, Willis!

Remembering, with love and affection...

8 things...

1. We have had as many as nineteen pets at one time; this included our two cats, two over-sized goldfish, and Sam's pair of pet rats who had bred and produced a litter of 13 babies. We kept 2 of the prettiest babies and adopted out the rest. The male rats have now been neutered, so no more babies. The daddy and daughter rat both died this year, so we're down to 2 rats. Sam now wants a snake.

2. My family emigrated from England to Canada when I was 4 1/2 years old. Both my younger brothers were born in England also. I have been back on a number of occasions, most recently to attend my cousin's wedding when Sam was a toddler.

3. My youngest brother died 2 days after I turned 25, in 1991, in an accidental fall on the Niagara Escarpment. It took me five years to feel healed from the grief-wound inflicted on me by his death.

4. I had an appendectomy when I was seven- wanna see the scar?

5. I would love to learn to paint for real. I have dabbled in paint during art therapy, and painting rooms has always been very therapeutic. I wonder what keeps me from painting for pleasure on a daily or at least weekly basis?

6. I like sewing. At least, I like altering and repairing clothing and fiddling around with a sewing project. I'm not sure I want to tackle big and fancy sewing projects, but I like to putter at the machine.

7. I don't do dishes. Maybe, if I had company in the kitchen, I might, but I have been known to leave the dishes for weeks at a time.

8. My favourite colour is either red or green. I'm never really sure which. Probably green has been closer to my favourite colour for longer.

Angst for August

My "sadiversary" is approaching. On August 24, it will have been one year since Willis was hit by that big truck on the highway. I can feel it coming. All of August has been more fraught with emotion for me, and my energy is definitely at a lower ebb. I seem to have packed a lot of high intensity into this month quite apart from "the big day", which is no doubt adding to my weariness. To wit:

1. Rob's house is finally on the market. It took a long time for him to finish the renovations he had been putting off for 9 years, which meant time he wasn't with me or available to me. That sounds so whiny, doesn't it, but it was hard being so disconnected from my guy. We have become each other's touchstones in the past 6 months, and I miss the contact when it's gone. On a positive note, the house looks great, and there is a fair amount of interest in it, but it hasn't sold yet. Admittedly, it's only been 3 weeks, but I'm ready to move on and move in NOW. Of course, when it comes to the crunch and actually making the commitment to live together and own a house together, I may well drag my heels and have all sorts of "what ifs". Courage!

2. We went camping as a "blended" family for 1 week this month. OMG. It rained. The children bickered. Rob and I had our moments where our easy togetherness wasn't so easy. It turns out that we have different ways of handling things sometimes ;) and that we will sometimes need to negotiate more actively than at other times. The plusses: We survived the trip. We are still a family. I met another of Rob's brothers. This trip will go down in family lore. The boys had a super time in the woods, playing war and collecting sticks. Sydney got a new dress and had a blast in the ocean. I got a new outfit, too. We know we want a trailer for our next camping trip. Stress is unlikely to kill me or Rob or our relationship. All is well.

3. I'm planning to inter some of Willis's ashes on the 24th. I have a spot picked at the co-op. It's a sunny corner between my house and my next-door-neighbours' house. They were so very close to Willis- I think that they will appreciate having a piece of him so close at hand. I have ordered a plaque. My vision is to affix it to a piece of driftwood and place it over the hole. I'd like for any and everyone to be there who feels they would like to be there, which means notifying various groups of people. I figure it would be good to order some food, 'cause that's how we mark the major passages in life, by "breaking bread" together. There is also a plaque ordered for the memorial bench that the co-op purchased for Willis. The bench is wrought iron, and the logistics of fastening a plaque to the bench have been beyond my imagination so far. I should be getting more help with managing all of this, but I seem to have lost the art of asking for help in the last few months. I need to keep in mind two important premises in pulling this all together: SIMPLIFY and BALANCE.

4. My "to do" list scares me.
a) I still haven't filed Willis's taxes for last year. He has 2 creditors hoping for money from a refund, which will be non-existent, since the 3rd creditor is Revenue Canada, and they get first kick at the can.
b) I need to get some medical records of Willis's released to an insurance company for an accidental death policy. The chances of this policy being accepted are pretty slender, since the bi-polar disorder was a causative factor in his death, but since the policy is worth 2 years of his income, I feel I have to pursue it.
c) I need to file employment insurance reports for the time I was off work in May and June, but since my medical certificate didn't accompany my original claim and because it took me so long to file my medical certificate, it is no longer a straightforward claim. Sigh.
d) My childcare subsidy paperwork is seriously overdue for filing. Originally I was waiting for my EI claim to be in place so that I could provide proof of income from that, but seeing as that still hasn't happened, both daycares remain unpaid for July and August.
e) I have a literacy questionnaire to fill out for Sam. Ironically, the researcher in charge of the project is a prof I had during my days of studying child care at UVic. I handed in assignments late for her then, too, but I always got spectacular marks in her class. Students at Sam's school were signed up for this study at the beginning of his kindergarten year, so this is the second year of him being a part of the study. I feel an obligation to complete the paperwork, in spite of being widowed and having lots else on my plate- the school receives an honourarium from the researcher, and I did agree to participate in the study.
f) I lost a ring a while back- 2+ years ago, I think. It's a family heirloom, which is where its real value lies, although its intrinsic value is not insignificant. There is paperwork to be attended to in claiming for its loss- the insurance covers replacement of the ring, which is a bit absurd with a family heirloom, but because I do not wish to make the loss of this ring entirely obvious to my mother, I will need to proceed with getting it "replaced". The insurance adjuster for the claim irritates me, which makes the whole thing more tiresome.
g) Work, packing, moving, parenting, running a household, joining families, eating right, exercising... It's a lot of work, and the stress of my life keeps me awake in the night (that, and my children's occasional nightmares...). Meditation and exercise would really help- wanna go swimming with me?

********

School is just around the corner, summer is flitting away; my angst-filled August will soon be gone. I wonder what September might bring.....

From an e-mail response to my folks...

The weekend in Vancouver was great, and Hannah's party was fun. It was at Anna's house in White Rock, which was the first time we had been there. We stayed for supper there after the party, and it was a nice, relaxed, family time. Who could have envisioned such a thing?...

I hadn't managed to get shopping before the weekend arrived, so we bought gifts on the ferry. What we gave from you was a really nice fleece "vest", in pink, embroidered and very cute. Hannah liked it well enough; her mother and auntie were VERY taken with it- stroked it lots (it was very soft) and coveted it. It seemed like something you might have chosen for her yourselves and it will fit her for the best part of the next year, or more, I would think.

We got her some jewelery and stuffed animals and t-shirts and such. She seemed well satisfied with her total haul and once we got back to their new-to-them (and very nice) condo in Port Coquitlam, the kids played enthusiastically together (instead of going to bed). Although the weather was mediocre all weekend, we did get out to a local park on Sunday and managed to navigate around Vancouver okay to get to and from ferries.

Work has been pretty busy this week, with politics and medicine, but I still pretty much enjoy it.

Today, I finally viewed the items of Willis's which had been held in the police evidence room. At least one of the items (a red sweatshirt) wasn't his, and I suspect was put over him at the scene by one of the bystanders, or something. I ended up taking with me the shirt he had been wearing, but left everything else to be disposed of by them. I'm not sure why I had the compulsion to take that shirt, but since I haven't had a meltdown or anything since seeing the belongings, I'm not going to question my motivation too deeply. It does seem like another chapter completed. I also sent off a claim for the remaining life insurance policy today; I have yet to deal with the remaining AD+D policy. Sigh. He led a simpler life than death, methinks..... (at least in the time I knew him).

I'd better get to bed now, as it is getting very late.

Lots of love,
Sss

=^. .^=

Hannah's Birthday

From July 22:

Happy birthday to Hannah! In the 11 months since Willis died, we have been through all the major holidays and everybody else’s birthday. Today is Hannah’s birthday. This is the last of our firsts. This is the first birthday that Willis’s elder daughter (from his first marriage) will celebrate without her dad. She is now seven.

On the milestone days, our loss pierces more deeply. I ache for what Willis is missing and I berate him for not being here to share in our milestones. I so wish that he had been able beat back the dragon of his depression. I can feel him with us sometimes, and there is some comfort in that, but one last hug, one last visit with him, in the flesh, would be so wonderful....

Sigh.


From July 23:

My darling daughter, who had woken me up several times in the night, had been having a particularly Sydney-ish day. Nothing would go quite right for her. She needed to scream and yell a lot to express her dissatisfaction with life in general, and her mother in particular. She couldn’t possibly do it any way but her own way, and at her own pace. I am grateful that Cynthia was there to look after Sam and Hannah, so that Sam could at least have supervision and possibly some of his needs met while I was tearing my hair out over Sydney.

Sydney was obviously tired all weekend and since she barely ate, she was probably hungry. I imagine that’s why she needed to be up, but not that way, or down, but not over there, wearing shoes, but only the other shoes would do…. You know how they say that when you are at the end of your rope with your child, who has been crying non-stop for xxxx amount of time, you should just walk away, so that no-one comes to harm? Don’t do it where Madam X and Madam Y can catch you at it- the consequences may be ugly.

Episode one occurred after a steady 15 minutes of squalling, struggling unpleasantness, on a rainy walk from Cynthia’s condo to the local park. I had to tell Sam and Hannah repeatedly where not to cross the park to avoid being beaned by a baseball- it was a concept that seemed waaaay beyond them. Eventually, they understood, and went with Cynthia to the playground. Sydney was still struggling with shoes, walking, feet, etc. Having run out of patience, I walked ahead of her. Madam X, from the row of lawn chairs, said to no-one in particular, that the child needed to be moved or she would be hit by the ball. I snapped. "Who said that? Would you like to go and get her? I’m at the end of my rope." Deep breath. "Look, if anyone can offer any parenting advice here, I’d appreciate it. I have another child to watch who’s up ahead, and I no longer know how to deal with this one." A more sympathetic voice said, go and pick her up; just carry her, kicking and screaming. (she forgot to add hitting, pinching and biting… ;) ) I got Sydney carted over to the playground, where she spent 15 minutes on her own, under a fence, sulking, pouting, witching away. She eventually came for a cuddle and mookie and some shut-eye.

The walk back was also pretty disastrous. Once she stopped on the grass to have a pee, it was better, but before that, I came close to dropping her several times, as she squirmed with outrage at my "transgressions". I wish I could just walk away from her when she is so appallingly unco-operative, but it doesn’t seem to work for Jane Q Public, and it doesn’t make a big impression on Sydney, either. At one point, the others being well, well ahead, and I completely out of parenting ideas, walked away from Sydney and wept. My frustration was immense. My loss was enormous. I am Sydney’s only parent. Our whole trip was predicated on her father’s absence from our lives. Every time I look at Hannah, I feel the loss more keenly, and at that moment, in the rain, with a stubborn, screeching child, and no other parent to hand off to, I felt alone, abandoned and cheated. I hate solo-parenting.

Eventually, we made it back to the condo; it was apparent to the adults that it was time for us to head back. It took a while to collect ourselves and our things; eventually, we were underway. Our trip back on the ferry offered more of the same- her frustration and mine are soooo much bigger than ourselves at these times.

I will see if my counsellor has ideas on how to parent my beautiful, strong-willed, stubborn, spirited daughter, so that we can enjoy each other much more of the time.

Thank You

I owe you thanks for many things:

Thank you for providing me the opportunity to love again, and to love fully and with abandon.

Thank you for providing my children with another father; your love and affection for them has enriched their lives so much.

Thank you for providing me with the opportunity to own a house; I would not be doing this without you.

Thank you for the gift of your children. I love them and I love having the opportunity to step-parent again, with more insight than the last time around.

Thank you for having the courage to grow, within yourself and with me. What an honour it is that you have chosen to share yourself with me.

Thank you for the silliness and the giggles- I love that we can be so playful together.

Thank you for the love, hope, protection, joy, comfort and contentment- let's do this for a damn long time....