Since being reported to and exonerated by child protection services, I have been plagued with self-doubt, especially about my parenting. Although I have faith that I am basically a good parent and that my kids are doing well, I wonder. Is my attitude of "let them learn" and benign supervision and relaxed risk management putting my kids unnecessarily in danger's path? I don't want to believe that it is. I know that a part of my laissez-faire style comes not just from my temperament but from my historical low self-esteem. I do not want my children to come to harm because I cannot induce myself to enforce a limit with them.
That said, after another questionable experience, another neighbour lovingly shared the words of wisdom forming today's title. Parenting is a learning experience. We haven't done it before. Until we ARE doing it, it's just about impossible to learn HOW to do it. Our kids are going to have varying temperaments, which may be a good or a poor fit for our own. Their interests may diverge wildly from ours, as may their energy levels. Life's circumstances may challenge the resources we have available at the time we are parenting. sometimes we will get it stunningly wrong, in spite of our best intentions, and we may need to draw on reserves of resilience, yet again. Sometimes, we will get it astoundingly right, and we will all flourish as a result. An attitudeof loving acceptance and gentle guidance towards ourselves and others as parents sounds so right to me. I wish I'd thought of it sooner. (Maybe I had, and lost the concept through widow brain...)
So, I'm trying to parent myself, as gently and lovingly and wisely and purposefully as I aspire to parent my children. I'll succeed at this for the most part, "this I know for sure".
Monday, September 17, 2007
Friday, September 7, 2007
It wasn't me- I swear I didn't do it!
Rob and I have a date night every Friday night. One of us picks up the babysitter, we leave her with my kids and we go out. We generally go out for supper, then since we still have 2 houses, we usually end up at Rob's house, enjoying adult time at home. It's pretty blissful.
But...
I live in a housing co-op. Our townhouses face inwards, providing (I thought), a safe place for the neighbourhood kids to play out in front of my house. Our community is fairly small, and we live very close together, and there are few secrets here. Although the sense of community has been very valuable to me, there are times when I feel cloistered. My neighbours, especially my next-door neighbour, loved Willis. They were shattered when he died, and they were somehow disappointed when I began loving Rob. My plans to move from the co-op and purchase a house with Rob have been met with dismay: “Why on earth would you ever want to leave here?” (This said in front of Rob).
I haven’t felt much like hanging out with the gang of “harpies” in the front of my house these last few months. My life is my life, and I am choosing to live it, rather than curl up and die myself. I have found a new love, and look forward to owning a home with him. Disapproval of these choices is not something I choose to revel in, so I have been hanging out inside, with the door open, listening while the children play and cavort in the front. Apparently, this has been causing me to be in disfavour with the “harpies”…
On a recent Friday, when I went to pick up the sitter, she wasn’t there. We were a little early, so I took the kids home and started making supper for them. The sitter soon called, wanting a ride. The kids were pretty involved in playing, and the sitter lives not far away, so I checked with a neighbour, who said she was okay with overseeing my children while I went out for the 10 minute round trip.
While I was gone, another neighbour came upon my children, apparently alone and unsupervised, and freaked out. When I got back, she stormed into my house and proceeded to lambast me. It was an impressive tirade- according to her, she has been covering for me with child protection, the police, other neighbours; I never supervise my children outside, so someone else always has to. She was very angry, and threatened to call child protection services. After about 10 minutes of ranting, she left.
I disappeared from the co-op most of the next day- it really didn’t feel like a safe place to be. When I got back, there stuck in my door was a card from the social worker. The phone calls and visits have proceeded without further incident, and I suspect the file is just about ready to be closed.
I’ve been pretty stressed, but I’ve refrained from unleashing my own vitriol. At least on the outside…..
A day or two after “the incident”, the abusive neighbour ended up in the hospital, with an undetermined abdominal disorder- appendicitis and polycystic ovaries were both possibilities. I swear, I didn’t make a voodoo doll….
But...
I live in a housing co-op. Our townhouses face inwards, providing (I thought), a safe place for the neighbourhood kids to play out in front of my house. Our community is fairly small, and we live very close together, and there are few secrets here. Although the sense of community has been very valuable to me, there are times when I feel cloistered. My neighbours, especially my next-door neighbour, loved Willis. They were shattered when he died, and they were somehow disappointed when I began loving Rob. My plans to move from the co-op and purchase a house with Rob have been met with dismay: “Why on earth would you ever want to leave here?” (This said in front of Rob).
I haven’t felt much like hanging out with the gang of “harpies” in the front of my house these last few months. My life is my life, and I am choosing to live it, rather than curl up and die myself. I have found a new love, and look forward to owning a home with him. Disapproval of these choices is not something I choose to revel in, so I have been hanging out inside, with the door open, listening while the children play and cavort in the front. Apparently, this has been causing me to be in disfavour with the “harpies”…
On a recent Friday, when I went to pick up the sitter, she wasn’t there. We were a little early, so I took the kids home and started making supper for them. The sitter soon called, wanting a ride. The kids were pretty involved in playing, and the sitter lives not far away, so I checked with a neighbour, who said she was okay with overseeing my children while I went out for the 10 minute round trip.
While I was gone, another neighbour came upon my children, apparently alone and unsupervised, and freaked out. When I got back, she stormed into my house and proceeded to lambast me. It was an impressive tirade- according to her, she has been covering for me with child protection, the police, other neighbours; I never supervise my children outside, so someone else always has to. She was very angry, and threatened to call child protection services. After about 10 minutes of ranting, she left.
I disappeared from the co-op most of the next day- it really didn’t feel like a safe place to be. When I got back, there stuck in my door was a card from the social worker. The phone calls and visits have proceeded without further incident, and I suspect the file is just about ready to be closed.
I’ve been pretty stressed, but I’ve refrained from unleashing my own vitriol. At least on the outside…..
A day or two after “the incident”, the abusive neighbour ended up in the hospital, with an undetermined abdominal disorder- appendicitis and polycystic ovaries were both possibilities. I swear, I didn’t make a voodoo doll….
Monday, August 27, 2007
Remembrance
Our remembrance gathering was good. Really good, in fact. The peace I feel now is quite profound. I made it through my first year, with flying colours, even. I made it through my sadiversary with grace and gratitude, and only a few tears. There were neighbours present and a couple of Willis’s co-workers also came by. It was so good to reconnect with them. They have been missing us and wondered where we got too- we disappeared into the fog of widowhood disorganization. They plan on inviting us to a BBQ at their place, and as long as they give us a specific time and date, we'll go. The plaques are in place and look great; some ashes are interred. There is a sense of completion.
Sam was proud to participate in digging the hole.
Sydney is intent on spooning some ashes into a bag to be buried. My neighbour Jackie, who adored Willis, was thrilled to be in charge of that precious box and bag.There were solemn and joyful moments. A friend read a letter to Willis, which recalled him as he was in life, as well as the sorrow left in the wake of his death. Women who have been known to butt heads were getting along famously at the remembrance. This is quite a legacy, Willis!
Friday, August 24, 2007
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
8 things...
1. We have had as many as nineteen pets at one time; this included our two cats, two over-sized goldfish, and Sam's pair of pet rats who had bred and produced a litter of 13 babies. We kept 2 of the prettiest babies and adopted out the rest. The male rats have now been neutered, so no more babies. The daddy and daughter rat both died this year, so we're down to 2 rats. Sam now wants a snake.
2. My family emigrated from England to Canada when I was 4 1/2 years old. Both my younger brothers were born in England also. I have been back on a number of occasions, most recently to attend my cousin's wedding when Sam was a toddler.
3. My youngest brother died 2 days after I turned 25, in 1991, in an accidental fall on the Niagara Escarpment. It took me five years to feel healed from the grief-wound inflicted on me by his death.
4. I had an appendectomy when I was seven- wanna see the scar?
5. I would love to learn to paint for real. I have dabbled in paint during art therapy, and painting rooms has always been very therapeutic. I wonder what keeps me from painting for pleasure on a daily or at least weekly basis?
6. I like sewing. At least, I like altering and repairing clothing and fiddling around with a sewing project. I'm not sure I want to tackle big and fancy sewing projects, but I like to putter at the machine.
7. I don't do dishes. Maybe, if I had company in the kitchen, I might, but I have been known to leave the dishes for weeks at a time.
8. My favourite colour is either red or green. I'm never really sure which. Probably green has been closer to my favourite colour for longer.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Angst for August
My "sadiversary" is approaching. On August 24, it will have been one year since Willis was hit by that big truck on the highway. I can feel it coming. All of August has been more fraught with emotion for me, and my energy is definitely at a lower ebb. I seem to have packed a lot of high intensity into this month quite apart from "the big day", which is no doubt adding to my weariness. To wit:
1. Rob's house is finally on the market. It took a long time for him to finish the renovations he had been putting off for 9 years, which meant time he wasn't with me or available to me. That sounds so whiny, doesn't it, but it was hard being so disconnected from my guy. We have become each other's touchstones in the past 6 months, and I miss the contact when it's gone. On a positive note, the house looks great, and there is a fair amount of interest in it, but it hasn't sold yet. Admittedly, it's only been 3 weeks, but I'm ready to move on and move in NOW. Of course, when it comes to the crunch and actually making the commitment to live together and own a house together, I may well drag my heels and have all sorts of "what ifs". Courage!
2. We went camping as a "blended" family for 1 week this month. OMG. It rained. The children bickered. Rob and I had our moments where our easy togetherness wasn't so easy. It turns out that we have different ways of handling things sometimes ;) and that we will sometimes need to negotiate more actively than at other times. The plusses: We survived the trip. We are still a family. I met another of Rob's brothers. This trip will go down in family lore. The boys had a super time in the woods, playing war and collecting sticks. Sydney got a new dress and had a blast in the ocean. I got a new outfit, too. We know we want a trailer for our next camping trip. Stress is unlikely to kill me or Rob or our relationship. All is well.
3. I'm planning to inter some of Willis's ashes on the 24th. I have a spot picked at the co-op. It's a sunny corner between my house and my next-door-neighbours' house. They were so very close to Willis- I think that they will appreciate having a piece of him so close at hand. I have ordered a plaque. My vision is to affix it to a piece of driftwood and place it over the hole. I'd like for any and everyone to be there who feels they would like to be there, which means notifying various groups of people. I figure it would be good to order some food, 'cause that's how we mark the major passages in life, by "breaking bread" together. There is also a plaque ordered for the memorial bench that the co-op purchased for Willis. The bench is wrought iron, and the logistics of fastening a plaque to the bench have been beyond my imagination so far. I should be getting more help with managing all of this, but I seem to have lost the art of asking for help in the last few months. I need to keep in mind two important premises in pulling this all together: SIMPLIFY and BALANCE.
4. My "to do" list scares me.
a) I still haven't filed Willis's taxes for last year. He has 2 creditors hoping for money from a refund, which will be non-existent, since the 3rd creditor is Revenue Canada, and they get first kick at the can.
b) I need to get some medical records of Willis's released to an insurance company for an accidental death policy. The chances of this policy being accepted are pretty slender, since the bi-polar disorder was a causative factor in his death, but since the policy is worth 2 years of his income, I feel I have to pursue it.
c) I need to file employment insurance reports for the time I was off work in May and June, but since my medical certificate didn't accompany my original claim and because it took me so long to file my medical certificate, it is no longer a straightforward claim. Sigh.
d) My childcare subsidy paperwork is seriously overdue for filing. Originally I was waiting for my EI claim to be in place so that I could provide proof of income from that, but seeing as that still hasn't happened, both daycares remain unpaid for July and August.
e) I have a literacy questionnaire to fill out for Sam. Ironically, the researcher in charge of the project is a prof I had during my days of studying child care at UVic. I handed in assignments late for her then, too, but I always got spectacular marks in her class. Students at Sam's school were signed up for this study at the beginning of his kindergarten year, so this is the second year of him being a part of the study. I feel an obligation to complete the paperwork, in spite of being widowed and having lots else on my plate- the school receives an honourarium from the researcher, and I did agree to participate in the study.
f) I lost a ring a while back- 2+ years ago, I think. It's a family heirloom, which is where its real value lies, although its intrinsic value is not insignificant. There is paperwork to be attended to in claiming for its loss- the insurance covers replacement of the ring, which is a bit absurd with a family heirloom, but because I do not wish to make the loss of this ring entirely obvious to my mother, I will need to proceed with getting it "replaced". The insurance adjuster for the claim irritates me, which makes the whole thing more tiresome.
g) Work, packing, moving, parenting, running a household, joining families, eating right, exercising... It's a lot of work, and the stress of my life keeps me awake in the night (that, and my children's occasional nightmares...). Meditation and exercise would really help- wanna go swimming with me?
********
School is just around the corner, summer is flitting away; my angst-filled August will soon be gone. I wonder what September might bring.....
1. Rob's house is finally on the market. It took a long time for him to finish the renovations he had been putting off for 9 years, which meant time he wasn't with me or available to me. That sounds so whiny, doesn't it, but it was hard being so disconnected from my guy. We have become each other's touchstones in the past 6 months, and I miss the contact when it's gone. On a positive note, the house looks great, and there is a fair amount of interest in it, but it hasn't sold yet. Admittedly, it's only been 3 weeks, but I'm ready to move on and move in NOW. Of course, when it comes to the crunch and actually making the commitment to live together and own a house together, I may well drag my heels and have all sorts of "what ifs". Courage!
2. We went camping as a "blended" family for 1 week this month. OMG. It rained. The children bickered. Rob and I had our moments where our easy togetherness wasn't so easy. It turns out that we have different ways of handling things sometimes ;) and that we will sometimes need to negotiate more actively than at other times. The plusses: We survived the trip. We are still a family. I met another of Rob's brothers. This trip will go down in family lore. The boys had a super time in the woods, playing war and collecting sticks. Sydney got a new dress and had a blast in the ocean. I got a new outfit, too. We know we want a trailer for our next camping trip. Stress is unlikely to kill me or Rob or our relationship. All is well.
3. I'm planning to inter some of Willis's ashes on the 24th. I have a spot picked at the co-op. It's a sunny corner between my house and my next-door-neighbours' house. They were so very close to Willis- I think that they will appreciate having a piece of him so close at hand. I have ordered a plaque. My vision is to affix it to a piece of driftwood and place it over the hole. I'd like for any and everyone to be there who feels they would like to be there, which means notifying various groups of people. I figure it would be good to order some food, 'cause that's how we mark the major passages in life, by "breaking bread" together. There is also a plaque ordered for the memorial bench that the co-op purchased for Willis. The bench is wrought iron, and the logistics of fastening a plaque to the bench have been beyond my imagination so far. I should be getting more help with managing all of this, but I seem to have lost the art of asking for help in the last few months. I need to keep in mind two important premises in pulling this all together: SIMPLIFY and BALANCE.
4. My "to do" list scares me.
a) I still haven't filed Willis's taxes for last year. He has 2 creditors hoping for money from a refund, which will be non-existent, since the 3rd creditor is Revenue Canada, and they get first kick at the can.
b) I need to get some medical records of Willis's released to an insurance company for an accidental death policy. The chances of this policy being accepted are pretty slender, since the bi-polar disorder was a causative factor in his death, but since the policy is worth 2 years of his income, I feel I have to pursue it.
c) I need to file employment insurance reports for the time I was off work in May and June, but since my medical certificate didn't accompany my original claim and because it took me so long to file my medical certificate, it is no longer a straightforward claim. Sigh.
d) My childcare subsidy paperwork is seriously overdue for filing. Originally I was waiting for my EI claim to be in place so that I could provide proof of income from that, but seeing as that still hasn't happened, both daycares remain unpaid for July and August.
e) I have a literacy questionnaire to fill out for Sam. Ironically, the researcher in charge of the project is a prof I had during my days of studying child care at UVic. I handed in assignments late for her then, too, but I always got spectacular marks in her class. Students at Sam's school were signed up for this study at the beginning of his kindergarten year, so this is the second year of him being a part of the study. I feel an obligation to complete the paperwork, in spite of being widowed and having lots else on my plate- the school receives an honourarium from the researcher, and I did agree to participate in the study.
f) I lost a ring a while back- 2+ years ago, I think. It's a family heirloom, which is where its real value lies, although its intrinsic value is not insignificant. There is paperwork to be attended to in claiming for its loss- the insurance covers replacement of the ring, which is a bit absurd with a family heirloom, but because I do not wish to make the loss of this ring entirely obvious to my mother, I will need to proceed with getting it "replaced". The insurance adjuster for the claim irritates me, which makes the whole thing more tiresome.
g) Work, packing, moving, parenting, running a household, joining families, eating right, exercising... It's a lot of work, and the stress of my life keeps me awake in the night (that, and my children's occasional nightmares...). Meditation and exercise would really help- wanna go swimming with me?
********
School is just around the corner, summer is flitting away; my angst-filled August will soon be gone. I wonder what September might bring.....
Saturday, July 28, 2007
From an e-mail response to my folks...
The weekend in Vancouver was great, and Hannah's party was fun. It was at Anna's house in White Rock, which was the first time we had been there. We stayed for supper there after the party, and it was a nice, relaxed, family time. Who could have envisioned such a thing?...
I hadn't managed to get shopping before the weekend arrived, so we bought gifts on the ferry. What we gave from you was a really nice fleece "vest", in pink, embroidered and very cute. Hannah liked it well enough; her mother and auntie were VERY taken with it- stroked it lots (it was very soft) and coveted it. It seemed like something you might have chosen for her yourselves and it will fit her for the best part of the next year, or more, I would think.
We got her some jewelery and stuffed animals and t-shirts and such. She seemed well satisfied with her total haul and once we got back to their new-to-them (and very nice) condo in Port Coquitlam, the kids played enthusiastically together (instead of going to bed). Although the weather was mediocre all weekend, we did get out to a local park on Sunday and managed to navigate around Vancouver okay to get to and from ferries.
Work has been pretty busy this week, with politics and medicine, but I still pretty much enjoy it.
Today, I finally viewed the items of Willis's which had been held in the police evidence room. At least one of the items (a red sweatshirt) wasn't his, and I suspect was put over him at the scene by one of the bystanders, or something. I ended up taking with me the shirt he had been wearing, but left everything else to be disposed of by them. I'm not sure why I had the compulsion to take that shirt, but since I haven't had a meltdown or anything since seeing the belongings, I'm not going to question my motivation too deeply. It does seem like another chapter completed. I also sent off a claim for the remaining life insurance policy today; I have yet to deal with the remaining AD+D policy. Sigh. He led a simpler life than death, methinks..... (at least in the time I knew him).
I'd better get to bed now, as it is getting very late.
Lots of love,
Sss
=^. .^=
I hadn't managed to get shopping before the weekend arrived, so we bought gifts on the ferry. What we gave from you was a really nice fleece "vest", in pink, embroidered and very cute. Hannah liked it well enough; her mother and auntie were VERY taken with it- stroked it lots (it was very soft) and coveted it. It seemed like something you might have chosen for her yourselves and it will fit her for the best part of the next year, or more, I would think.
We got her some jewelery and stuffed animals and t-shirts and such. She seemed well satisfied with her total haul and once we got back to their new-to-them (and very nice) condo in Port Coquitlam, the kids played enthusiastically together (instead of going to bed). Although the weather was mediocre all weekend, we did get out to a local park on Sunday and managed to navigate around Vancouver okay to get to and from ferries.
Work has been pretty busy this week, with politics and medicine, but I still pretty much enjoy it.
Today, I finally viewed the items of Willis's which had been held in the police evidence room. At least one of the items (a red sweatshirt) wasn't his, and I suspect was put over him at the scene by one of the bystanders, or something. I ended up taking with me the shirt he had been wearing, but left everything else to be disposed of by them. I'm not sure why I had the compulsion to take that shirt, but since I haven't had a meltdown or anything since seeing the belongings, I'm not going to question my motivation too deeply. It does seem like another chapter completed. I also sent off a claim for the remaining life insurance policy today; I have yet to deal with the remaining AD+D policy. Sigh. He led a simpler life than death, methinks..... (at least in the time I knew him).
I'd better get to bed now, as it is getting very late.
Lots of love,
Sss
=^. .^=
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