An opinion piece, more-or-less

A couple of news stories reported fairly widely by CBC in my neck of the woods have gotten me thinking and wanting to express some opinions, without interruption- I think that’s what a blog is for, right?

Story 1: 3 young children murdered in Merritt, BC- only suspect is their father, who is at large. He had been estranged from their mother, and had a criminal history; he had been released on bail the week before the murders, after having been brought up on charges for uttering threats to a child and the principal at his daughter’s school. the other child had apparently said or done something to induce tears in his daughter, and he presumably reacted in response to that. Protectiveness over one’s child? I can relate. Letting him out on bail, rather than holding him, when the risk was deemed to be minimal? Okay. Taking the lives of your own children? Seems so impossible, and yet it does happen from time-to-time. I ache for the mother and what she has been through, and I can only imagine the mental health deficits taking place in their relationship and within the father himself. This is a sad, sad story, and even when the father is found and dealt with, there will still be this ineffable sadness about the whole situation.

Story 2: A young woman, 19 years of age, an immigrant to this country, made a police complaint some months back, about the abuse she was suffering at the hands of her boyfriend, with whom she was cohabiting. She was pregnant with his child at the time. He went to trial this week, on those charges. She was to appear as a material witness in the prosecution, but failed to appear in response to being subpoenaed. As a result, she was apprehended and jailed, pending her appearance on the stand at his trial. She was reported to have been 9 months pregnant at this time, mere days away from giving birth (although it turns out she’s got another month to go). She’s been the subject of a fair amount of media attention, and has been adamant in her assertion that she would not testify against her boyfriend, and that she wanted him acquitted so he could go home to be a good father to their child. On testimony day, that’s pretty much what she did- recanted her previous (taped) statement about his abusiveness, and was then released to go on her way.

There was much hue and cry about how wrong it was to have the victim in this situation jailed, but in light of the other story, where a man with a criminal past and a hyper-reactive present was released, with tragic consequences, I certainly have sympathy with those who were trying to have the boyfriend convicted and jailed. It may be that their efforts will have been in vain, because of her most recent testimony, but also because her character will no doubt be called in question, and found wanting, since she has a previous child in her home country, being raised by her mother.

And so it goes. The chances of the unborn daughter having a real chance to lead a life unaffected by abuse, and not ending up like the kids in Merritt seems very slender. Legal recourses have not served us well in eliminating abuse within families- I wonder whether anything can work. How do we build enough self-esteem in our children, especially our girls, so that they can make wise choices in their partners, and be supportive, caring, loving partners and parents in turn? I hope that I can be that parent and partner, but today, I have been shooing away my kids, especially Sydney, who has been particularly clingy.

Okay- time to leave blog-land and attend to my little loves.

Big Cat Rescue in Florida

What else do you think a bunch of cat vet types would see in Florida? We were enthralled; bet you will be, too.

Big Cat Rescue



There were cows on the other side of the sanctuary fence...









Cougars may be my favourite animal ever.








All white tigers are inbred- this one has a cleft palate, but she's beautiful anyway.








This very handsome fellow spoke to me. We were able to have a feline non-verbal conversation; apparently my verbal feline is a different dialect, but the eye kisses and soft voice are the same across species lines.










Mrowr.










I so don't "get" the hunting thing- how could anyone stand to see such a beast stretched out like this, but bloodied and dead?











Yeah, sleeping is much preferable to dead.










Apparently, sleeping on your back, just begging for a belly rub, isn't just for domestic cats...









He was thirsty at just the right time- the water dish is sooo close to the barrier- we were within splashing range...









Tiger Conversation: This retired circus guy loves the tour groups- we had to leave him so he could rest, because as long as we were at his cage, he wanted to be social. The keepers at the sanctuary were so careful to ensure the well-being of these cats by monitoring their response to tour groups- it was great to see truly compassionate care for these big guys.



As a clinic, we decided to sponsor an ocelot from the sanctuary; like I said, we were enthralled. I hope to get a link up later, but here she is: Amazing Grace.

Fort Rodd Hill and Beacon Hill Park Petting Zoo

These are from March 8th and 9th:

Fort Rodd Hill and Fisgard Lighthouse...




Beacon Hill Park Petting Zoo...




The goat "stampede" at the end of the day...





Peacocks and ducks...











My online friends brag about their Shetland Sheep...



Three of our kids...

FLORIDA!!!!

How cool is it to be in Florida, in March, for a conference (American Animal Hospital Association), while it's snowing in the Pacific Northwest?
WAAAAYYY cool!

Back door pets

We have 10 pets- that should be more than any family needs or can manage. So, why is it that we have an invisible sign somewhere outside our back door that says animals welcome here? Did these animals come before we lived in this house, or did we bring the sign with us?

Here is Pikachu. Admittedly, Persian cats are an acquired taste, but I think he's cute. His name truly IS Pikachu- I traced his ear tattoo, but can't find a current "owner". When he first arrived at our door, he was thickly matted and covered in fleas. I took him into work and cleaned him up. His fur is growing back nicely, and I still think he's cute:




















When Rob was taking out garbage recently, a rabbit came up to him and greeted him- he thought it was Chase, but Chase was safely inside his cage when Rob came back in. A couple of weeks back, on a Saturday morning, Rob told us that "that rabbit" was sitting outside the back door. The kids and I piled outside, and spent the day playing with our new friend, who we call "Rabbity Roo" or Roo for short. I haven't been able to determine gender, or figure out why an apparently wild rabbit enjoys the company of people so much, but we all think it's really neat to have these "wild" creatures come to the back door, more or less when called.





























We haven't taken them inside and integrated them into our family for a couple of reasons: Rob doesn't want more pets (!), and neither animal really enjoys being contained or confined. Well, actually maybe Roo would be happy to live inside, but that really would be a bit much, don't you think?

Widow fallout? SOS fallout?

I pretty much live my life without much reference to having been widowed. I have a “new normal”, complete with husband and family, and life is good. When I occasionally get slammed by an emotional response that seems out of proportion with the precipitating event, I wonder whether I have hidden layers of under-resolved trauma from having been widowed by a suicide-like event.

Willis’s death was not classified a suicide (nor an accident) by the coroner, but he was very suicidal in the months leading up to his death, and he was particularly suicidal on the morning of his death. My take is generally that he was very ambivalent. He was reported to have been pacing back and forth on the bridge near where he was killed- I imagine that he considered throwing himself off the bridge onto the highway below, but couldn’t bring himself to do it, for which I am very grateful. There are also reports that he was hitch-hiking on the highway below- it is easy to imagine him turning his back to the traffic that was not stopping for him and drifting into the path of that big truck. It is also possible that he stepped deliberately in front of the truck, which did its best to avoid him.

He was struck from behind, which makes me prefer the inadvertent scenario, but the effect is the same- he is dead, my children don’t have their dad, and I am left with questions and repercussions about why someone would appear to prefer death to living with me and the kids. This is, of course, an over-simplification. Suicide and mental illness is not really a choice, and the pain that Willis was experiencing was profound and unbearable. He certainly believed we would be better off without him, and I ache for him that he believed that was so.

I have spent hours in therapy, addressing all sorts of issues arising from being widowed and surviving the de facto suicide of a spouse. Like I say, mostly this is a part of my history, and not really a part of my present.

But...

Rob and his boys went to Vancouver this weekend to visit Rob’s sister. The boys haven’t seen Trish in a couple years, and it was time for them to make a road trip, as a family, as in times past. Me and my kids weren’t invited along. This is appropriate- logistically and for the emotional well-being of Rob and his boys. My head knows this. My heart and psyche have been aching, crying, raging, writhing about this. I hate the feeling of being rejected and excluded. The boys are 10 and 12- of course they want to have some time without their new family, and with their dad all to themselves.

We will go to Vancouver next weekend to visit with Hannah, Willis’s other daughter, and her mother. Rob is cherishing the idea of time alone at home. He is reveling in it, and why not? He was a half-time dad before we came along, and a bachelor the other half of the time. Much as he began to get lonely after 4 years of this, and much as he loves us all, it can be taxing to a fifty-year-old to be suddenly raising a 4-year-old daughter full-time. He is an introvert, and needs some quiet time alone to recharge. Sam is an extremely active, extroverted boy- much as Rob loves Sam, he finds him taxing sometimes (as do I). Of course Rob relishes the prospect of some time to himself. My head understands this and delights in the chance to offer this to Rob. My heart and psyche cry with feelings of rejection and loneliness that Rob can hardly wait for us to be gone.

After several anguished and stormy conversations with Rob about how painful I was finding the prospect of these two weekends, and how bewildered he was at my response, that references to Willis began to seep into my consciousness. Rob and I had not come back to equilibrium after one such conversation, and he was heading of in my car to pick up the babysitter. I told him not to crash the car, and added, in an angst-filled voice, for him not to take that as me condoning him crashing or harming himself. On the morning of Willis’s death, as we were preparing lunches for the kids, he told me how he couldn’t stop thinking of “it” (suicide), and how he couldn’t stop thinking of driving into something. My response? “Just don’t use my car to do it.” I will probably wish forever that I had added that I really didn’t want him to harm himself either, but it is doubtful that he would have heard it anyway.

After that comment, Rob came back to finish the conversation. In further discussion, we agreed that the emotionality of my responses was likely to be about my experiencing echoes of the ultimate rejection of suicide, and the terror of not knowing whether I would have a husband at the end of the day. The whole damn thing hurts. I may never forgive Rob if he doesn’t outlive me, and the separation of these two weekends and my upcoming conference in Florida is a terrifying prospect. This relationship better last a damn long time, because I don’t want to prove that I have the moxie to outlive another husband.

Lunar Eclipse

I owe thanks to another blogger, Rachd, for the reminder on her blog about tonight's lunar eclipse. Rachel was in the unfortunate position of being unable to see the eclipse due to bad weather. We, on the other hand, had gorgeous weather and a gorgeous view from our house on the hill. It was quite magical to be able to dim the lights in the dining room and watch the eclipse during our supper. Rob even took the time to call his boys at their mother’s house to get them to have a look, too. It was a marvelous moment of family togetherness and wonder at the beauty in the world. I am so grateful to Rachd for the reminder, and for her inspirational approach to grief, which parallels my own. I hold her in awe for how she is managing in the face of her devastating loss. .



I took some pictures of the eclipse, but since my camera doesn’t have a particularly long zoom, you’ll have to use your imagination